girl steve

@Tesco surely there's an easier way to clean your tomatoes???

My mam got me two of these for my birthday this year. It took me a full day to see the spelling mistake and I love them more for it.

@Skoog Oh no I read optimist as orgasm at a glance my brain has betrayed me, I just saw the o at the start and m at the end I need to stop being online half asleep.

obama. i shook his hand in Noblesville, IN and went to college in chicago so i was at his acceptance speech when he won. i don't think i'll ever experience that amount of political optimism again.

Had an x-ray on my back today and had a chat with the technician. I was shocked that the most bizarre thing she's seen inside someone was a barbie. I was expecting much worse.

@Camel_Crushin So you're just gonna kid yourself...😎

I’ve decided to stop going to therapy and get a baby goat instead.

Still have "bundt cake" as the worst words for a spoonerism. Trying to think of any worse.

Graceful, graceful, graceful, bring me solo and the wookie.

What even is this? #caterpillar #moth #butterfly

@savebutterflies Off topic but I was wondering if you could help me identify this caterpillar. Sadly deceased but i found it yesterday and have never seen one like it.

Look out for the colourful Cinnabar (Tyria jacobaeae) this month 👀 This common and well-distributed day-flying moth is often mistaken for a butterfly because of its vibrant red and black markings. 📷: Iain H Leach, Rachel Scopes, James Peat #MothMonday #MothsMatter

so many

Oh yeah happy new year I'll be over here trying to calm down two cats that think it's the apocalypse but you enjoy your fireworks for a half hour straight

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. He lives in my head and it’s difficult to explain the symptoms, so I got him out to show you xx

Conservative MP Mel Stride claims PIP benefit is thousands of pounds per month. No it is an absolute maximum of £720 a month, and most people only get about £250. Meanwhile he claims £1,250 a WEEK in rent on his expenses Lying, thieving b******

@Bob_Janke @fightgeek But rhe demolition crew has to complete the job in 30 minutes or less, or they work for free.

I say tear down The Leaning Tower of Pisa its time

@RoyalOperaHouse As a youngun I was taken to see this. At intermission we got ice creams. I dropped mine two rows down into someone's hood and felt so bad I cried so much I'd no tears left for the ending and was just dry sobbing.

A young geisha falls in love with an American naval officer with tragic consequences in Puccini's heartbreaking opera.

youtu.be/emBUr-vO9ZI?si…. :(

@ChefRonSullivan I never pair my socks. Just all socks in a drawer and grab two at random. As long as they're similar textures it's all good.

How long do you all normally hang onto unmatched socks for? 8 or 10 years?

Has anyone mad a Gom Jabbar epipen yet? If I come into contact with hair dye and shit goes south that's what I want.

@carpenterisgod x doesn't stand for a kiss, it's just missing "files".

...I'll allow it

@fesshole Was at A&E with a dislocated knee issue years ago. Guy about my age, in his twenties, was in for same thing. His mum said "go on.tell her how you did it" and he looked sheepish and said "I was running away from a moth"

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.