Nigel

If you still like the Red Hot Chili Peppers than this joke is too late to save you anyways.

[Elton John voice] B-b-bene gesseriiits. BENE!

@sophiebuddle This is a campaign-level stance.

movie theatres need soup

Cut my life into pieces,

[watching a stand-up clip on reels] Wow, someone give this guy a self-produced comedy special financed entirely out of his own pocket and posted on his personal youtube channel with 15 subscribers.

@mrnastynodrama This makes me want to un-go to these places. And I don't want that.

Please don’t move here

When I die, put my ashes in an urn and then cross-section it in slow motion so it looks delicious.

Maybe the real spotify wrapped was the friends we made along the way.

Begging my ears to stop feasting on 4 entire genres.

Men truly believe there is no age limit on turning your hat backwards and being cool again.

Whenever a drummer counts a band into a song I'm like ok so that's the daddy.

Somewhere between ants and beetles bugs go from being "little guys" to "big fucks".

The worst part about eating in a restaurant is you can't take your shirt off when it starts to get real.

Gen Z will never know the pain of doinking your head off a wall, growing a big ol' bruise noodle, and having someone bink a horseshoe onto it.

Elon Musk going to get some ribs removed so he can Zuck himself off.

TW: Great Investment Strategy If you run out of water you can drink piss and it's the same.

My brain after I've had a few beers and have the audacity to consume a single shot of liquor.

They should invent thoughts in your mind that wait their turn.

Slowly filling my pants in the middle seat at Cirque du Soleil so I don't get up and take someone "out of the moment".

Favorite online interaction right now is when someone posts AI art and a commenter goes "amazing art!" and they go "thank you."