Adrian Dad

Can’t wait to retire so I can drive slowly during rush hour to get coffee, tie up the barista with questions, ask the Home Depot kid how I can spackle my deck properly, and then message my kids with questions followed by an ellipsis

Sears Husky logging in

Does this rapture thing work like New Years Eve? Have we heard from Australia?

I would prefer cheese tray over flowers, every damn time

Heading to the neighborhood pharmacy, anybody need anything?

I'll be your hamburger AND your helper

People forget what day it is all the time, but that doesn't apply on Mondays

Oops that didn't sound well (Me hearing myself talk)

Neither January nor February but a secret more catatonic third thing

Times were better when pantyhose came in a egg.

I’ve decided that if I don’t get a job soon I’ll just move to a small English village and solve crime.

yelling BAM when I throw something in the garbage bin

I don't care if the book is better than the movie. [takes your face in my hands] They are entirely different media.

Him: Let’s go jogging  Me: I think we should see other people

Why did you turn off my TV? 😅👌

I don't want your dog to like me better than you. It's just a thing that happened.

Did you know Dustin Hoffman was only 6 years younger than Mrs. Robinson? plus we're all doomed

I don’t do things to be thanked. I do things because I’m forced to.

New panties, who dis?

Due to insurance concerns, none of our players will be cleared to play in the WBC

Emotion to suppress, your honor