Ayo. O

I have crushing hayfever, the following medication has helped immensely

@Chizitere_xyz How dare she ask for money for food!

When i was still working as a biomedical engineer in Ubth, I had this male coworker that used to stay back in the office till 8 PM every night. Four extra hours of doing absolutely nothing, just sitting outside the empty conference room talking to himself or using his phone. One day I asked him why he didn’t just go home to his wife and kid since he closed by 4 PM. He laughed that dry, hollow laugh and said, "Michi, if I go home by 5, my wife will ask for money for dinner, or the generator needs fuel, or the landlord is coming. If I stay till 9, she assumes I’m hustling and grinding for the family. She respects the 'busy' man, but she has no patience for the 'tired' man present in the house." So now, every night, he sits in the dark office, drinking water to fill his stomach, and calls his wife. He speaks with energy, Yes babe, i still have a lot of work to cover. I’m doing this for us. Even when his account balance is literally reading minus. He does this; not because he is a liar. Not because he doesn't want to be home. But because sounding 'busy' and 'ambitious' is the only way a man retains his dignity in a home he pays for. A lot of people cannot even begin to understand the mental gymnastics men perform every day just to avoid being called "useless."

i have a friend who lives her life like this and she’s the most well adjusted person i know.

Cut off everyone who said you’re overreacting as well

@fesshole So it’s you and your bloodline leaving the seats all pissy? Thanks 🫠

My mum told me never to let my skin touch the seat of a public toilet. Hover and let go. I've lived by this rule and passed it on to my daughters.

@simons_tweet @fesshole First name I though of too

@fesshole Benedict Cumberbatch?

I share an unusual name with a famous actor. On three occasions hundreds of thousands of pounds meant for him have turned up in my bank account. I always wait about five days before reporting it. I usually earn about £60 interest in that time.

I can’t believe I get emails starting with ‘Dear Parent/Guardian’… and it’s not for my parents, it’s for me 🤣

@StephanieYeboah Maybe that’s what gives it the taste 😬

The bacteria and parasites though

Think I might have just seen a black person in a telly advert, but I was a big brave boy& eventually after 29 seconds he went away…phew! Still a bit freaked out but I’m going to be okay and …OH MY GOD THERE’S ANOTHER ONE!

So how do you know if no one knew??

Let’s retweet and save a life guys 😭😭

@SimonCohen14 @VictoriaCoren David Mitchell obviously!

@VictoriaCoren Who is your vile brother ?

I’ve had three replies to my post this morning. Read downwards, they absolutely sum up the Twitter experience. 😂 Thanks very much all three of you. But mainly Ben.

If you’re seeing this it means the algorithm finally showed you my art. My name is Ik Nnadi, and I paint the bond, beauty, and quiet elegance between African mothers and daughters in ways words can’t capture. ❤️

me and my bestfriend passed the bar exam today with scores high enough to practice in 41+ jurisdictions. we’re officially esquires ⚖️

@fesshole Makes no sense to try and deter them from sex with garlicky breath. You’ve obviously not spoken to them about your expectations regarding this subject otherwise they wouldn’t be doing it against your wishes in your own house so why bother trying to interfere now?

16 year old son has started bringing his girlfriend home for sleepovers. I double or triple the amount of garlic I put in their dinner.

Here's a trailer for Mitchell And Webb Are Not Helping, a new sketch show which starts next month on @Channel4. I'm posting the phone-shaped version but it'll be television-shaped when it's on television. #MitchellAndWebb @arobertwebb @5teviem @kfRedhot @lararicote #KrystalEvans

@fesshole Good

Had an affair for two years, we both left our partners and are together. I don't trust my partner now.

Yea My Wife and Kids is WAY funnier than Martin 😭

@garryboy11 @fesshole 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@fesshole I say you buy one…

Double glazing window bastards are bastards, got some quotes a while back and Anglian call every 2 months without fail & post letters despite me telling them to fuck off and already having my windows done. I'm now using their SAEs to post bits of my old conservatory to them.

Just beat your chest three times and say “ jealousy release me”!!!

@richardosman Thanks to you I’ve now binge watched all of S1 and now caught up with S2. It’s a freaking awesome show and your description was correct. It’s completely different to all the other offerings out there at the moment, I guess they CAN make ‘em like they used to 😌

Absolutely loving 'Poker Face' on Sky Max. It's like 'Columbo' meets 'The Littlest Hobo'. Favourite new series for ages.