Dr Hugo Z. Hackenbush

I can't believe how old people my age are.

Uri Geller has made so much money from bending cutlery his house is like Fork Knots.

DOUBLE the excitement of watching Formula 1 by doing the ironing at the same time.

PRETEND you own a lucrative hand car wash by wearing a hi-viz vest on the forecourt of a derelict petrol station.

The decision to throw my loft ladder away has made life problem attic.

@clairebubblepop Somewhere between 7% & 10% of Germans were Nazis between 1939 & 1945. How did that work out.

In Britain they’d have you believe Muslims are taking over. Oh yeah with huge numbers of 6%. Fucking get a grip you racist dickheads!

I've just seen an advert for the new Michael Jackson movie. What's next, Jeffrey Epstein The Musical? They could make a series including one for Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Gary Glitter?

@NeilClark66 That's exactly what I did, with voluntary contributions for the years I worked overseas.

That’s how the state pension was sold to us . That’s why it is based on contributory years. That’s why people, like me, who worked abroad for a few years made sure they made their contributions for these years. These attempts to move the goalposts now are reprehensible.

@WHLeavitt 100% yes.

🚨BREAKING: President Trump has just ordered the U.S. Navy to BLOW A HUGE HOLE in the engine room of a 900-foot Iranian cargo ship after they refused to obey orders to stop. Zero casualties. Do you stand with Trump on this? A. Yes B. No

@NatJPeters Birmingham were 7th when he was sacked, on goal difference only. Idiotic decision.

Birmingham City and Leicester City are probably the two biggest clubs to be relegated from the Championship since Sunderland nearly ten years ago, and Gary Rowett has presided over them both. Some doing that. #bcfc #lcfc

@thespafixer Not yet.

@FatherCheesy Does yours have custom paint in Blades livery, Father? 😄

I remember a while back I said that if you make over $200k a a year and still mow your own lawn, you're doing it wrong. Now that the average quote I'm getting for my lawn is $400 a month, I think I'm changing my mind on that statement. What are folks running for lawnmowing equipment on a 1 acre mow these days?

@benonwine If you're not being called racist you're definitely doing something wrong.

Does it bother you if you’re called a racist anymore?

Oh go on ten, if you insist.

Everton are the Premier League Sheffield Wednesday

Oh yeah quick reminder… asylum seekers can’t claim benefits. You need an NI number for that. They live on £49.18 a week. Would love to see any of you live on that. So yeah they ain’t living it large you absolute melts.

@benonwine You need to put a full stop after kind and delete the rest.

No foreigner should receive benefits of any kind until they contributed for at least 10 years.

@2147mill Can you tell me where I can invest in an ISA paying 8% that is guaranteed by the FSCS?

Unpopular opinion: Renting and investing the difference beats buying in most UK cities right now. £2,000/month mortgage vs £1,400 rent Difference: £600/month into ISA 15 years later: ISA at 8%: £207,000 tax-free Meanwhile the homeowner has an interest bill and a £400 monthly maintenance average. The maths matters.

@trwsenti "You can't legally own a TV in this country without paying it, even if you only watch Netflix." Absolutely untrue.

£169.50 a year to watch the BBC. You can't legally own a TV in this country without paying it, even if you only watch Netflix. The BBC pays its top presenters over £1M a year and they've been caught lying about basic facts for the last decade. Try not paying the licence fee and you'll end up in court. The presenters never face the same consequence for getting it wrong.

@trwsenti If you haven't already bought and paid for a one bedroomed property, after working for 45 years, you need locking up.

You'll work for roughly 45 years. The state pension is £11,500 a year. After 45 years of paying into the system, they'll give you £958 a month. Rent on a one-bed flat: £750. Energy: £190. Council tax: £165. Food for one: £250. Phone: £30. That's £1,385 in basic costs. Your pension covers £958. You're £427 short. Every single month. After 45 years of work. That's the retirement they promised you.