Ally

Protein shakes? 3.4 oz or less, but rotisserie chickens??? As many as you can fit in your carry-on.

I don't know that words will ever be able to adequately express how insane it feels to sit at a desk and respond to trivial emails while the President of the United States threatens to destroy an entire civilization.

not to sound like a potted plant but sunlight and fresh air really makes a difference

why are you 30 and pissing me off

i bet crunching your little fangs into cardboard feels good as hell for a cat

Are you just going to lie in bed all day? Would you judge a frog for resting on a lily pad, criticize a flower for enjoying the sun, or question the moon for only showing up at night?

Weirded out by homes with no pets. Like where is your creature

Supreme Leader is like regular leader but with sour cream and tomatoes.

There may have been a few miscalculations on The Lobster’s part.

rip amy Winehouse you would have loved vapes

why do people say “they got off scott free” who the fuck is scott

A cancelled meeting gives me more dopamine than a night out now.

I want to violently bang my head into a wall over and over again

"let her cook" except it's me and my heated blanket turned up to the highest setting

Be the reason someone can’t use your name for their baby

life got so serious i stopped taking pics

Can’t kick my quesadilla addiction. I had 11 in the last 48 hours

Are you always filled with puke or is puke just puke when it leaves you

I’m not tipping for a bagel fuck you