Ian Aber

💀💀💀💀💀

Just imagine, someone thinks about Dax Shepard when they jerk off and that someone is @DaxShepard

If Trump is not gay, why he building a ballroom and not a grab her by the pussy room v sus v zesty

If Annie Lennox pushed Joaquin Phoenix through a plate glass window, he’d be Joaquin on Joaquin on Joaquin on broken glass

@FBIDirectorKash You did all this while eating meatballs 🧐

Against all law enforcement recommendations, we demanded the video footage and enhanced stills of the suspect be released to the public. Robinson’s father, who ultimately turned him in to authorities, told law enforcement that he recognized his son in that released video.

Mature = old Seasoned = old and salty Worldly = old and a know it all Grown = old and groans about it Stable = old and finally got them meds right Old soul = old and a wet blanket Well-rounded = old and fat Experienced = old and ran through

Would it be faster to make a list of billionaires that are not pedophiles?

@zzdoublezz if you were going on a day date to a pumpkin patch, the fit is correct

I may never recover. Dude asked what I was gonna wear and then cancelled the date.

Zins of the Zaddy > Sin of the Fater

When you string enough "hot takes" together, what you get is what we used to call a "terrible personality"

@TheKandyMuse Something. Something. STAR QUALITY

what them subtitles say?

Assigned “Gulf Of Mexico” at birth But now identifies as “Gulf Of America” Love. That. For. They. Them.

Kendrick Lamar was wearing women’s jeans

Whatever Ben Affleck has, it’s definitely full blown

Straight men, If you are wearing a football blouse while watching The Super Bowl YOU ARE IN DRAG! and have been reported to the authorities!

@therealroseanne @harryjsisson And you really seem to enjoy be bipolar

@harryjsisson You really seem to enjoy poles

🚨BREAKING: Donald Trump is now one of the most UNPOPULAR presidents to start a presidential term, per a new Gallup poll. With a disapproval rating of 48%, he sits second to last… right above his first term. Not great for Trump!

Straight men, Salted Caramel is a gateway flavor to jizz.

Country music journalism is all about Who What When Where and Wynonna?

she had it comin! congrats to hormona lisa on being (coincidentally) cast as mona in chicago.

@guybranum c'mon Goddess!! congrats!

I believe I just won a Golden Globe, but I'm not entirely sure about how this works.