THE Burger King

Girl are you a hybrid 'cause I can't remember life Prius.

Spring forward, fall backstreet's back

The Pumpkin Spice channel is just like the Spice channel except that everyone fucks pumpkins.

Jets Make Bald Move #NFL

Some porcupines got into our sheep barn over the weekend. When we came in this morning, we had a bunch of freshly-knit sweaters.

More like Pen Diddy.

We installed a swear jar to help curb our potty-mouthed parrots before realizing they have no concept of commerce and no way of earning money.

Tried giving our alpaca The Rachel but she wound up looking more like an Emo Nick Nolte.

Good news...

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that an Oasis reunion tour would last more than one show.

@MarsMadMichelle Haha, we were there last night! Awesome to see you get up on stage!

Praise the Lord! 😂💖😂 #JaredLeto #30secondstomars Cardboardcake on IG

@aryeh Apparently it's all my fault.

@ABurgerADay That is bananas

Fucked around with Gwen Stefani and found Doubt.

What should I name my The Pretenders cover band?

Me: *sits down to eat* My dog: I HAVE TO GO POOP RIGHT NOW!

Thank you for your analysis, CNN, but I think it was already pretty obvious who lost the debate last night. (The entire country.)

Robert F Kennedy Jr. watching the debate.

US Olympic trials, but for presidential nominees.

My favorite movie about a blowjob thief is Hudson Hawk Tuah.

WOAH

[Interview] Manager: It says here you discovered the element of Cargonium. What's that? Me: It's what cargo pants and shorts are made from. Manager: I think we're done here. Me: Wait! We didn't get to Dadbodium.