Agent Naeem@AgentNaeem
I left Islam when I was a teenager. Not officially, like with an announcement or something... I just stopped being a Muslim, so that I could be “free”.
Free to focus on school, parties and smoking Mary Jane… the usual things one would expect growing up in the UK.
By 16, I'd completely forgotten what it felt like to believe in anything. Deep down I did, but I buried it. And I stayed that way for 15+ years.
In that time, I did everything the world tells you will make you happy. I made decent money, achieved things, chased and attained status, built a couple of things, and watched some of them fall apart.
I filled every moment with something... a screen, a night out, a new project, whatever distractions to keep the silence away.
And I had every reason to feel fulfilled. But I'd often end up staring at a ceiling, wondering what any of it was actually for.
There's a verse I only found after I came back to Islam post 2023:
"And whoever turns away from My remembrance - indeed, for them is a depressed, constricted life." (20:124)
This is more of a diagnosis (consider the opposite). There are other verses that provided similar meaning, such as:
"And do not be like those who forgot Allah, so He made them forget themselves." (59:19).
So, when I began to come back, I came messily and with lots of questions. I didn't come back because someone convinced me. I came back because nothing else made sense and nothing else seemed to work.
I tried a lot of what this dunya (world) had to offer and it all left me in the same place.
Turns out Islam wasn't what I thought it was when I was 13.
My reversion all started with the Qur’an back in 2023. Not prayer, not a mosque, and not someone preaching at me. It just started by listening to beautiful recitations of God’s revelations… and actually paying attention to the meaning (translation) for the first time.
Months later, life guided me towards making Umrah (pilgrimage) after visiting my grandad in Pakistan. I prayed for the first time in Medinah (Saudi Arabia) after so long, and generally haven't missed one since (some late 😩).
I'm not sharing this to romanticise my journey. I lost years and people, while still carrying things from that time that I'm continuously asking Allah to forgive me for. The return wasn't glamorous but it was from a place of desperation.
I had felt a massive hole in my chest, with the heart of my soul flatlining. Since, I have managed to resuscitate it… and it’s starting to beat again. 🙏
If yours has gone quiet too… it's still there. It's just waiting. If not remembering God is the diagnosis, remembering Him is the cure. 🥹
Day 29 nearly done. 🫡