Alan Machnik

My new Wombles Pepper Mill is crap. Everything that comes out of it is either over-ground or under-ground.

I've discovered that standing naked at your window helps to deter Trick or Treaters. No, wait...here's two dressed as Policemen.

It seems reasonable that an Australian Taxi Driver's salary is a fared income.

Our microwave is a real humdinger.

My abacus has been broken on countless occasions.

@O2 Why isn't my O2 priority access to Def Leppard tickets at the OVO Hydro working? It tells me presale is happening, but I have no buy tickets option. I have tried numerous times from 10am

What's the most dangerous dessert in the world? Russian Roulade.

The most dangerous drink I ever had was a Hand Grenadine.

@DailyMail x.com/Alan_Machnik/s…

Freddo chocolate creator's daughter say he would be 'rolling in his grave' - as once 10p treats rocket to £1 trib.al/DoEQabp

@MetroUK x.com/Alan_Machnik/s…

Daughter of Freddo creator reveals he would ‘roll in his grave’ if he could see them now trib.al/FdSTCbD

@SkyNews x.com/Alan_Machnik/s…

Read more here🔗 news.sky.com/story/why-the-…

"Dad was disgusted with how small it is now and how much they charge for it," Leonie Wadin, 74 - the daughter of Freddo founder Harry Melbourne - told Sky News Money from her home in Australia 🍫⁠ How much would you pay for a Freddo? 🐸

My conspiracy theory for today is that a Freddo bar used to look like Jabba the Hutt, but now they look like Han Solo in Carbonite...#Cadbury #StarWars 🤔

My new Wombles Pepper Mill is crap. Everything that comes out of it is either over-ground or under-ground.

If you need to clean your 'bunch of fives', try using a knuckle duster.

I'm giving up the David Bowie chocolate-diet. I'm just not enjoying a life on Mars, or the fact I can eat Heroes, just for one day. I'm taking it all back to the man who sold the Twirl.

The first taxi firm was based in a log cabin.

There weren't any thrones or famous chairs in the Star Wars movies, apart from the Rattan of the Jedi.

The reason you can't hear a dog whistle is that they can't pucker their lips.

What do cars and babies have in common? They both have rear wipers.

Coming to a cinema near you, starring Matt Damon and Alan Titchmarsh...