ALPHA ♛ KAISER 𝐈𝐈

Alpha Kaiser FAQ Thread 🧵 For new followers, your guide to a mysterious yet legendary Twitter poster

Today I was speaking with my colleagues from Uzbekistan, Colombia, and Thailand. I tried to make conversation about the PR League, and was met with a blank expression. “Nobody watches that farmer’s league, we are all watching Celtic v Hearts.” PR League finished in 2026?!!

Jocks are an absolute disgrace. 5 million football addicted people and THIS is what you have to offer the world? Disgusting

@databhoys Wow that’s actually bad 🫪🥲 Eye test deceived us with coming for crosses gimmick

Not going anywhere near handballs… but what I do want to talk about is Sinisalo. I’ve seen a lot of people say they’d be quite happy for him to be no.1 next season. Therefore, it was a huge shock to find that his underlying data… is actually worse than Schmeichel’s.

DARK CELTIC Moodboard A nice team gone bad. We’re here to spoil your party. By any means necessary. Villain arc loading… 🔋

@AlphaKaiser_II We've got ex footballers and journalists acting like physicists 😂

The world is against us. Social media is against us. Neutrals are against us. We are threatening to spoil the underdog fairytale story of Hearts. Everyone wants us to FAIL. Our backs are against the wall. 1 point behind going into the final showdown. CELTIC VS THE WORLD.

@ekvous Working on a 3 part deal for Just, Maswanhise, and Jens at the minute Motherwell had the cheek to ask for £2m! Trying to negotiate them down to £1.2m as we speak

@ekvous Ekvous pal I’m not impressed, why did you dominate us like that? I asked you to lie down for us, did you not convey this message to the players?

“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a Celtic boot stamping on the face of the Scottish Premiership… forever.” - 1984 by George Orwell

Honest Celtic fan here, robbing small Scottish teams is our passion We robbed Hibernian for our club idea players and jerseys in 1890s We robbed Hearts in 1986 We robbed Old Rangers of their club in 2012 We robbed Motherwell in 2026 with fake penalty gimmick TEEHEE

@frankmoofia Yeah Hearts have the nickname “Mini Rangers” or “Diet Huns” If it was another club I’d actually be more sympathetic to their charge as an example against the Board But alas, we deserve this lesson but hopefully we escape consequence-free

@AlphaKaiser_II respect mate acc didnt even realise did u hear about it ffs apparently rangers n hearts both on the frontlines brev how u got 2 fanbases up to nastiness ffs what an odd thing footy is lowkey gimme that 4 nil kaiser im in

We are genuinely cheating our way into the title race 🤝 I feel like prime Old Rangers right now, refs are paid, penalties for nothing given, added time until we score…life is good

@frankmoofia My unbiased neutral opinion: We DESERVE to LOSE the title, due to poor management. It will be SHOCK THERAPY. My biased Celtic opinion: My giant Club DEMANDS this trophy. We must win at ANY COST.

@AlphaKaiser_II be honest bro i can feel u i know theres a big part of u that wants hearts to win ur too shy to say it but i know who u are this is what u want

WE PAID THE SFAAAAA WE’RE NEVER GONNA STOP SINCE 1888, WE WON THE FUCKING LOT ALLEZ ALLEZ ALLEZ JOHN BEATON AND HUGH DALLAS THE FIELDS OF HAMPDEN PARK WE ARE BRIBING OFFICIALS AND WE COME FROM GLASGOWWWW

“I believed in analytics and modern football, Don Lawwell. I laughed at the Board mafia, who kept the traditions of the Old Country alive. But now Hearts are top of the league and planning a January window. I ask you for a favor… stop them with SPFL corruption.”

Reverse Jinx…

This is diabolical. That will be that for the league campaign. Well done to Hearts, we deserved this fate.

KELECHIIIIIIIIIII OH MY GOD CULT HEROOOOO WE ARE SO BACKKK

I admit it, I will be shitting pants and shaking like a cowardly dog for the next 30+ minutes.

I’m legit watching on vipl**gue in 2026 Fuck my life Apparently 40 year old women in Nyon area want me though?