Amanda Against Abuse

My crime: not promoting contact with my abuser. My abusers crime: #Childassault, s3xual assault, r4pe, #domesticabuse, #emotionalabuse, #coercivecontrol, #financialabuse, #medicalneglect, #perjury, #gaslighting, #litigationabuse and #animalabuse to name a few. The current situation: children removed from me and placed with the abuser. #familycourt #cafcass #corrupt #corruption #bias #notfitforpurpose #shamingvictims #blamingvictims #enablingabuse

There is a never ending cycle of harm when your abusive ex is the father of your children. They have moved twice since I last had an update. That’s 11 times in less than 2 years. They have kittens now. Anyone remover the bunnies? His “business” is not a full time income. As in he doesn’t make enough to feed the children. And yet, his need for control means they are kept in poverty so bad, they aren’t eating properly. They are less than 5 minutes from me. And yet, with how our systems operate there is nothing I can do. I have been to court. I have contacted social services. I have reached out to school. I have so much evidence, current evidence, that it is too heavy for me to pick it up, but it doesn’t matter. It’s scary to watch this play out. A week ago, I was healing and hoping for my future. Now I’m broken again. They deserve better, and at this point even if it’s not with me - anything away from him would be better.

It seems the abusive ex enjoys repeating the past. I say this because he is right back where he was a year ago. 50 minutes form their school - but keeping them there until the end of the school year. This time last year I insisted they move schools as that kind of commute wasn't fair to them. I was chastised for not having their wants in mind - they wanted to stay at that school. Now? He is moving them. At the worst possible time as well. In the middle of SEND plans, and right before secondary starts - and amazingly he has managed to choose a worse secondary school. Why? Because its one I didn't suggest. The brilliant one near me (where he is once again) is of course not an option. Never mind our child will be going into secondary not knowing a soul - after 11 moves, being homeless for over a year and once again back in a caravan. My beautiful home is not an option - until the ex needs baby sitting for summer. The update was the forewarning of whats to come. Except his last email to me was that I needed to go supervised at a contact centre, again... because I rebooked a flu vaccination. He will of course forget that when he has no other option over summer. If my babies came home to me - my heart would start to heal. But this game their father plays isn't something I will take part in any longer. The only thing this update did was make me feel genuinely sorry for my children. This is post separation abuse. This is coercive control. This is weaponising the children.

I had a full blown panic attack during a hearing. I couldn’t breathe. I was shaking. I was hyperventilating. I was sweating. I was dizzy. I couldn’t hear. The judge actually “paused” proceedings, but I had to stay in the room while everyone waited for me to come out of it. My barrister turned around, gave me water and tissues and told me to just breathe. That experience almost destroyed me. I could and did survive the abuse. I almost didn’t survive that attack, from people meant to safeguard and protect me and my children.

“Don’t get angry. Don’t cry. Don’t get argumentative. Remain calm, neutral and polite. Smile at the judge. Be pleasant.” This is the advice I was given by legal counsel ahead of my family court hearing. These instructions are standard and expected. But they fail to consider that domestic abuse survivors arrive in court already carrying the weight of complex trauma inflicted by the very person they are now up against. And what meets them there is cross-examination designed to destablise, questions crafted to confuse and contradict, and a barrister whose job it is to dismantle their credibility, pick apart their memory, and reframe their lived experience. If you break down in tears, you are labelled unstable. If you push back, you are seen as aggressive. If you freeze, you are written off as unconvincing. There is no acceptable way to be a traumatised person in a courtroom. The family law system was not built with trauma in mind. Telling an abuse victim to "stay calm" in a courtroom is like telling someone with a broken leg to run and then judging them when they can't keep up. Survivors deserve trauma-informed legal processes, meaningful protections from re-traumatisation, and a system that understands that a tearful answer or an angry response is not evidence of dishonesty but a reflection of what they have endured. The courtroom should be a place of justice, but for too many survivors, it becomes yet another place where they are dismissed, disbelieved, and diminished. #FamilyCourt #DomesticAbuse

Not every fight for a child comes from a place of care. Sometimes it comes from a need to stay in control, even after the damage is already done. And when that isn’t recognised, the harm doesn’t stop. It just continues in a different way and the system allows it. #familycourt

Trauma isn't just about what happened. It's also about what didn't happen, like not being heard, supported, comforted, protected, or believed.

For anyone still in the shadows... you don't need to stay in the darkness. No one should steal your light, ever!

@shadows_control It has been years. For many, just because the relationship ended, doesn’t mean the abuse did. Imagine living with constant harm for years?!

“You’re still not over it? It’s been years” Healing from abuse has no set timeline. Everyone’s journey is unique, & trauma can linger long after leaving. Comments like this ignore how complex healing is. Offer understanding—true healing takes time.

People love to say survivors throw around the word “narcissist” too much, but most survivors are not trying to make a clinical diagnosis. They are trying to name repeated patterns of harmful behavior they experienced and had no language for. As they heal, they begin to recognize patterns like: Love bombing and fast intensity. Mirroring. Isolation. Gaslighting. Blame-shifting. Image management. A Jekyll and Hyde personality. Lack of accountability. Lack of remorse. Lack of repair. Reality distortion. Most survivors are not saying, “This person has a diagnosis.” They are saying, “I have lived through this pattern enough times to know what it looks like. And naming the pattern is often where healing begins.

#familycourt #domesticabuse #protectiveparent #childprotection #trauma #justice

Watch. THIS. SPACE.

When a child returns from contact displaying marked behavioural changes—such as withdrawal, refusal to communicate, hostility, degradation towards the mother, or attempts at physical or emotional harm—this may indicate child and mother sabotage (CAMS). shera-research.com/latest-news/fr…

In a patriarchal system, the abusive man is protected. His behavior is explained. His reputation is preserved. His accountability is delayed. His humanity is centered. But the woman he harmed? Her trauma responses are judged. Her anger is pathologized. Her grief is diagnosed. Her body is drugged. And her truth is called instability. And this is how the system continues.

@LorraineNorton It’s a vicious circle, designed to be impossible. If you dare to complain it is often used against you. And the reality is there is never accountability so other than making your own life harder there simply isn’t any point.

I witnessed similar with a relative. A judge berated my relative for something she hadn’t actually done, but the judge took it upon herself to assume. I was the Mackenzie Friend so not allowed to speak. Infuriatingly unjust! Is there a complaints system for such behaviour?

@Carrie665649464 @Lesleyziggy I hear you. It’s unnatural for mothers and children to be separated.

@AmandaAgainstDA @Lesleyziggy In person love, without the uncertainty, is frankly what children need as you know. The Judiciary have proved themselves to be unfit for purpose in so far as being an arbiter in family law. Love your children, they will come back to you

The messages broke me. It was like a dagger to my already wounded heart. I have no contact with my children. Despite court order stating I should. Why? Because the abuser changes his mind as often as I change my knickers. Some days I’m fine, others I’m not. Sometimes I have to go to a supervised contact centre, other times it’s fine for kids to stay the night. Both my husband and I are “safe” over summer, even going away, and then suddenly we are not. Contact has started and stopped 4 times since the order was given. The current view from the abuser? I’m unsafe because I rebooked a missed flu vaccination appointment. He knew it was missed. He got the same NHS contact I did, but in his view, I’m not ALLOWED to make medical appointments. That isn’t in the order by the way. In fact the pathetic 2 pages order, while mostly slanted towards him, in this way actually protects me. There is no PSO, and no restrictions on my PR. But that doesn’t match the carefully curated look he has crafted about me. So while they are homeless, on send plans, suffering health wise he chooses to demand I go back to supervised for the 4th time. If he was decent, I would gladly do it. Because it moves out of there once he is satisfied. But he has shown over and over again that he isn’t decent. And being their mother is what he has a problem with. So there will be another stop to contact. My only contact with my children is via messages. I send funny pictures of the dogs, messages of love and say how proud I am. And last night they both got upset. It’s been almost a year since they had in person love from me. They are living with their father 24/7 with no other adult, in hotels and caravans, moving non stop, facing hunger and uncertainty while he blames me. Openly. Directly. He has succeeded in forcing his views on them, and them lashing out at me. I cried. Like I haven’t in a long time. Abuse doesn’t end when the relationship does. And it doesn’t end when contact stops. 💔

@unionjack78 Wishing you all the best. 👍🏻

@AmandaAgainstDA Well, the story is somewhat incomplete. We know the stats of men getting custody and women being under such restrictions. You are VERY rare. How come?

@unionjack78 Did you have a question or kind comment to add to that, or was that it?

@AmandaAgainstDA I thought you were a man at first, given the tone and story. Something outrageous must have happened for courts to choose him over you. That bit you left out