Anna

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

I can’t possibly be snoring because I’m lying here listening to YOU snore - a love story

I just had my physical and it turns out apple pie à la mode is not considered a healthy breakfast

“The Nightmare After Election Day” - coming soon to an NY theater near you

Therapist: And what do we do when we panic about WWIII? Me: Shop online for things we don’t need? Therapist: Correct

I just choked on an egg and that’s how I know I should have ordered a waffle

For once I would just like a doctor to say don’t worry, you can fix this ailment by complaining about it

*describe yourself in one sentence* Really wanted to get revenge but was sooo comfortable watching tv on the couch

Guys, something big and exciting is coming!! * * my lunch

Any other middle-aged ladies feel like all you do all day is remove hair from some places while trying to grow it in others?

*watching Jaws with my kid* Kid: Was this made in like the 1900s?

“We haven’t seen a midfielder use her left foot to deflect a free kick from a right footed fullback under light cloud cover since the second Thursday of the Tokyo Olympics” - Olympics announcers #OlympicGames #Paris2024 #ParisOlympics2024

I just heard my husband say “good, how are you?” and I was like “no one asked!” and then I realized he was on a work call

I’m pretty sure it was the Lord who said “She that doeseth the laundry shall keepeth the money she finds in the pockets”

My husband’s love language is a home cooked meal, which is sad for him

I own a lot of stockings for someone who wears pajamas all day

Conversations with the cable company: Me: I’d like to cancel my service Cable company: Of course, I’d be glad to help! But first, I’d like to try and sell you a few other things…

If you’re at the gym but you’re not snapping every five seconds, are you even a teenager?

That time I accidentally parked half on the sidewalk and in a tree, but couldn’t freak out about it because my teen daughter was with me and I had to MoDeL gOoD bEhAviOr

Anyone who has gifted my child a harmonica, whistle or kazoo shall be sentenced to listen to the presidential debate on repeat for the rest of eternity

@EricZorn @carpeangela @missmulrooney @UncleDuke1969 @Fulkery1 @OFalafel @TheDeducers @jpbrammer @ddsmidt @adamgreattweet Thanks for including me!

The battle is on for Tweet of the Week in the new Picayune Sentinel ericzorn.substack.com/i/145130870/re… Finalists: @carpeangela @missmulrooney @AnnaDoesntWant2 @UncleDuke1969 @Fulkery1 @OFalafel @TheDeducers @jpbrammer @ddsmidt @adamgreattweet