Eddie Contreras

If you were me I would suggest you brush your teeth.

If you're pregnant get a tattoo of a smily face on your stomach so after you give birth it turns into a sad face.

Combine the shows "River Monsters" and "Dateline NBC" and you get the show "Catfish"

If sperm whales don't mate for a long time they turn into blue whales.

I might buy a pair of jorts so be careful ladies I'm about to become irresistible.

CNN Breaking: Courtney Love becomes obsessed with missing Noah's Ark.

If we #CancelColbert then where would @thedailyshow steal jokes from?

Ambulophobia- #Fear of walking #omg :|

I dropped a Snickers candy bar down my pants... April Fools! Its poop.

I saw someone in an easter bunny costume and he kissed me... April Fools! I kissed him.

This hot girl working at Subway I just met can really cook.

I got one hair in the middle of my chest thats long enough to reach my nipple but not the other one.

Most premature ejaculations occur within the first two inches of a microwave burrito.

I don't always poop brown, but when I do I drink Dos Equis.

They should make a Red Box as big as a Quick Trip and call it Blockbuster.

Just dropped Kony off at the pool. #flushkony #stopkony #kony2012 #invisiblechildren

Did I say cum I ment cum.

The only thing me and Kraft singles have in common is we're both cheesy.. and single... and cum in clear plastic.

I'll finish your lease. - "@biorhythmist: Just sneezed while shitting so now I need to find a new apartment."

Stuck my penis in a grocery bag full of cheez-its and gummy worms so there goes my other new years resolution.