Bonnaroodude

7 Years Sober Today Today marks 7 years entirely sober from drugs and alcohol. There are not enough words to aptly describe my life’s transformation since then… it honestly feels like I’m living a completely new separate life. I quit my job at CBS, I moved from San Francisco back to Atlanta, I’ve made so many new friends, I’m headlining RED ROCKs, I got married to my best friend… there has been a lot of good. Being a full time sober musician isn’t easy though. When I’m touring I’m constantly around drugs + alcohol, touring is lonely, and there is always endless temptation. Luckily the hardest part of my sobriety journey is over and I just have to maintain, rather than battle active addiction. I’ve been really comfortable being around both drugs and alcohol and don’t mind most of the time. I am a supporter of people using safely, which is why I promote harm reduction rather than preaching about abstinence. If I could partake I would, I just have zero off switch. However, I do have an unfortunate update to share. When I decided to quit all drugs and alcohol I included smoking cigarettes in that decision. I have been nicotine free for 7 years, however recently I succumbed to temptation and picked nicotine back up for a short period of time. While it only lasted a few weeks, it was a stark reminder that I am still VERY much an addict and that even one slip can slide back into severe addiction very quickly. While I’ve never slipped up (and honestly have no desire to) with drugs and alcohol, I have missed nicotine. I’ve been extremely stressed about Red Rocks and everything that comes with that and it just happened to be around at the wrong time. Not only did it NOT help my anxiety, it made it worse, and I very quickly remembered why I cut it out - being in an endless cycle where you need something or you feel bad isn’t where I ever want to be. I’ve cut it out again. But it scared me. It scares me how even after almost a decade you can relapse. But it’s also made me put up my guard again - I don’t want to have to start back at zero. Ever Something that’s been difficult for me, and that I’ve been working through in therapy - is that being sober can feel lonely. I’m an addict - I crave dopamine. I have bipolar II, ADHD, and PTSD. None of those things make it easy. I feel empty inside a lot, even with everything seemingly going so good. I can’t blunt life’s sharp edges with drinking or drugs. I pretty much have food, exercise, and sex left, and even those come with their own problems. They don’t really tell you once you level off and are really really sober, and your mental health is solid… that sometimes you’re like… “FUCK” “Is this it?” Am I just going to feel alright forever? It’s weird and difficult and lonely and mind numbing and it’s been really hard for me to accept that there is an empty pit inside my soul that will never be filled or satiated EVER no matter what I do. So yeah. I’m still sober! I haven’t done drugs or alcohol. For 7 fucking years. Holy shit. But I did fuck up and have nicotine recently, to immediate regret. A good reminder that even though I’m in recovery, I will always be and always am an addict. I hope that I can inspire anyone struggling. You can do this. I believe in you. It’s not worth the risk or being a slave to a chemical that always wants more more more more more more moreeeeee  Thanks to all of you for supporting me, for caring, and for showing up. My music / touring / throwing shows genuinely keeps me going despite everything. Not sure what I would do without y’all Love you lots