Bacon Fingered Bap Tosser 🔞

Hello arseholes! Did you miss me? I apologise if you’ve tweeted me and I’ve not replied. I think I’ve replied to all my DM’s, but going back through two years of mentions may take a bit longer. So where the fuck do you think I’ve been, I hear you ask. Well.. buckle up..

Happy Christmas to all, unless you’re orange and have a face like a face like a scrotum that’s been ravaged by a Rottweiler.

Even YOU can’t keep a straight face at the drivel that’s spouting out of your piehole. Enjoy prison.

Trump desperately trying to distract everyone from the Epstein files and convince everyone he’s not a raging paedophile. I don’t think it’s going well, if I’m honest.. #CreepyDon

Get fucked you ridiculous pair of grifters.

@ran_french @Badhombre @GovTimWalz The guy who murdered her was a Trump supporter, you thick fuck. 🙄

@Badhombre @GovTimWalz Yep she voted with republicans and then died. That’s what happens when democrats are mad

Great piece about my dear friend Melissa Hortman.

RIP Will Rush x

@LindseyGrahamSC How much effort do you have to put in to crawling up Trump’s arse? Do you have to doggy paddle up there, or are you so adept that you can now just slither up there like the snake you are?

Spot on Mr. President. The Maduro regime has wreaked havoc on our nation and our people, the people of Venezuela and the region. He associates with terrorist regimes like Hezbollah, poisons America through the drug trade, and his demise is long overdue. If he’s not a terrorist, I don’t know who would be. It’s a breath of fresh air to have a commander in chief who will not tolerate the abuse of American interests. I applaud you, Mr. President, for cleaning up our backyard of narcoterrorist states like Venezuela. God bless you and all under your command. Finish him off.

@Pethol6 @WhiteHouse Bet you shat your peanuts when Michelle Obama suggested people eat healthy..

@WhiteHouse Victory as portrayed by the happy face in the background.... We're all happy there's less junk food!!

ANOTHER MAHA VICTORY, NO MORE JUNK FOOD IN SNAP IN 18 STATES.

@etta8247 @EdFatherOfCats What a [redacted] thought… [emoji redacted]

@EdFatherOfCats @BunsOfHam Something to cheer you up...🤣

@MarianMunkacsi The superglue will definitely come in handy. Hold fire on the coffin.. not planning on going anywhere just yet, though 2086 might be a bit of a stretch!

@BunsOfHam Luckily for you Kemi Badenoch has been working in the Co-Op funeral ad so would be unavailable anyway, unless you would like a coffin. Eco friendly of course; I have some Cornflakes boxes and superglue. Please don't expire until at least 2086 because it would be a big job.

A number of you (that number being zero) have asked what I want for Christmas. After no thought, I have no idea what I’d like, and while I don’t wish to seem ungrateful, I have made a list of things I most definitely do NOT want. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

@etta8247 It really would have.. as it is, he’s even closer to my house, so it’s worked out very well.

@BunsOfHam Good! I'm so glad for you and for him. Would have been such a drag being separated to Australia. 🦘😂

I’ll never sing “it’s Beginning to Look A lot Like Christmas” with the original lyrics again! Another masterpiece from the Queen of Snark, Randy Rainbow! Merry Fuckmas!

Remember when the Right lost their collective shit when Michelle Obama suggested people eat healthier? Yeh.. 🙄

@jimnarlene Goodness knows, but yep, done that a few times as well.. and my bloody lip, which is still healing from a bite at the weekend! 😂

@BunsOfHam It's biting the inside of your cheek, how's that even possible. 😬

My mouth is full of blood. Because I’ve bitten my own tongue (as opposed to someone else’s). There’s proof of intelligent design if I ever needed it.. a designer who created us with the ability to accidentally eat ourselves… 🙄

C*nts, mostly.

@Ikdoehetniet That’s the one! And thank you! I look forward to it. Please wrap it in eco-friendly paper, and use string, not sellotape. I believe Kansas has the world’s biggest ball of twine, so you might want make some phone calls!

@BunsOfHam This one do you? 20 miles long. Bugger to wrap, but you're worth it!

@Ikdoehetniet Hmm.. not sure either of those would be much use. Don’t you have a rather nice dam over there.. quite fancy one of those!

@BunsOfHam Not being French, the Eiffel tower would be a tall order indeed! 😀 I was thinking of a windmill (expensive in shipping) or maybe some clogs?

@MarianMunkacsi Yup! And yeh, I’ve seen Matt Forde’s impressions and he’s absolutely spot on!

@BunsOfHam He's like the opposite of that Shaggy song "It wasn't Me". Everything must be about Trump. The only good thing about Trump is the excellent impressions of him by Matt Forde.

He’s speaking from his arse, like you.

@Kevsterooniee Thanks!

@BunsOfHam Here's his URL: x.com/Bricktop_NAFO

@BunsOfHam Dear Ollie, Have you ever heard of Bricktop_NAFO?

@etta8247 Glad you’re (reasonably) well.. I can relate to the “could be better bit”! 😂 He did.. he moved in about three weeks ago.. it’s a lovely place and they’ve settled in really well, and very quickly. He’s extremely happy with it!

@BunsOfHam Could be worse - but could also be better...🤣 Health o.k. as long as I don't run marathon..🩼👩‍🦽 How's your nipper? Did he find a new flat?