Chris Armitage

@fesshole And after 19 years surrounded by it you still think stationery is spelt ‘stationary’.

First day in a new job I got my PC, desk and stationary which consisted of a box of 5,000 staples. Thinking it would take me 30 years to get through that amount. 19 years later I used the last one today. I feel old now

@fesshole ‘They’? How many partners do you have, and are they all buying the same big loo rolls?

Partner has bought extra large loo rolls with no cardboard centre because they're more economical. The first 20% is a bugger to get off - the rolls are too large for the dispenser and the last 10% are stuck together. They refuse to go back to normal rolls - this could be divorce

@noshboy44 @fesshole You really should have a qualified electrician at your wiring, not kids.

@fesshole Well they are his relatives , we are having no kids at our wiring but having our nephew

Invited to a friends wedding and told that we'd need to sort childcare as no kids could attend. Got there and it was swarming with his sisters' kids. Should have just said he didn't want my kids there. Put the £100 cash gift envelope back in my pocket. Prick.

@Thescousegoblin @fesshole Punctuation. Sentences.

@fesshole Regardless of toxicity,blood lines over rules my dad passed early this morning one my sisters was adamant wasn't coming to say goodbye all over a petty squabble years ago my dad has tried to make amends b4 a few times she will live to regret

Broke contact with my arsehole father. He died and left his estate to his sister. Probably serves me right, but I could have done with £150k

@shaunnmuir @fesshole You’re.

@fesshole Your a prick.

I like to drive around in a bulky high vis jacket with my iPad set up on the dash, pretending that I'm in an unmarked police car on patrol. Enjoy watching other drivers having a double take or slowing down as they pass me.

@fesshole ‘They’? You have more than one partner?!

Partner paid for art class for me as a gift. I hate it. The people are smug and the rivalry is toxic. Not been for ages. I spend 3 hours a week in a nice bar with a book. Invite to the class final exhibition was emailed to my partner. They want to go.

@fesshole How bizarre. How old is she, three; four maybe?

Whatever meal I cook, my new girlfriend puts her portion all in a bowl, cuts it with scissors and mixes it like it's cement. I never thought I'd be as petty as ending something over how to use cutlery but here we are

@fesshole You definitely don’t, but if you do you need to be detained in a secure institution.

When I check out of a hotel I wrap the pillows up in the duvet and strangle the top of them with the phone cord to make it look like a body.

@southendsidthe6 @fesshole Well it could be Aberdeen, Dundee, Brighton, Portsmouth, Plymouth, or Liverpool plus probably several others.

Apartment rentals are insanely expensive in this city but office space is vacant everywhere so I rented a super cheap office space with an ocean view and put a fold out couch in there. Toilets down the hall. Cleaner comes through once a week. Living the high life.

@PadTheCreator @fesshole …and in English?!

@fesshole Be kind u git lol how much do you acc help them bruv it’s a garden

Helped the neighbours a few times with their garden as they're getting on in years! Now they expect me to help them every evening and at the weekends. I work 6am to 7pm and my weekends are for catching up on my little jobs at home. I regret helping them, hope they go in a home.

@RahRah88 @fesshole Fesses.

@fesshole This is one of the more harrowing fess'

A few years ago friends and I deliberately left out a friend from a night out, he somehow managed to be walking pass the bar and he saw us, we locked eyes , he looked at his phone, and looked up and walked out of our lives. Nobody saw him again. Mike, I'm so sorry.

@HG25813802 @fesshole Lots not lot’s.

@fesshole Lot's wrong here Starting with thinking this is in anyway funny.

When I meet strangers I tell them my 2 and a half year old son is a year younger than he is, they are blown away by how developed he is, truth is he is quite a bit behind the average.

@AndyFrancis02 @fesshole Trolley.

@fesshole People who block the aisle in supermarkets with their trolly always get the nearest item off the shelf popped into their trolly by me.

I hold 'supermarket grudges' with strangers. If you lean over me to get stuff, stand for hours reading the nutrition information on a product, or block the aisle with your trolley while you wander off, you'll be my mortal enemy for the duration of our time in the shop together.

@fesshole Sauce not source. Kiev not kiev. FFS. At least your apostrophes were correct.

When I cook chicken kievs for the family, I always pour the source that has leaked out onto my kiev and no one else's.

@fesshole Past not passed.

Wife and I trying to decide on a name for our daughter. After a lot of back and forth we settled on Evie as it was a nod to her favourite grandparent. My reasoning behind accepting? It was the closest name to a Pokemon I was going to get passed her undetected.