Bad Church Secertary

Almost split the church over a simple typo. Who would have thought Vaccination Bible School would be so controversial?

People ask me if I wrote this. No, but I'm wondering about the man who is an almond.

Checking Facebook to see if any of our members cheated on us with other churches over Easter.

I know I can do all things through Christ, but do I really have to do everything around here?

We put the unction in dysfunctional

Clifford If you think about it, a cliff and a ford are 2 geographical features that don't go well together.

Met a guy named "Ridge" Not as edgy as you would think.

@JoanCiolino She is afraid of the Internet. Her son suggested it to her 20 years ago and she has done it ever since. We just accept that when "Wanda" signs up to bring Jello to the potluck that it is really Carol bringing it. -W. Wiggins

@ChruchSecretary Can you ask her why? She might think if she puts her real name on a list someone might “find” her or know where she lives, etc.

So, we have this lady who always uses an alias when she signs up online for anthing. It's really confusing to me, but she's in her 80s. Is it insensitive to say that at least it won't be a problem for too long? I'm not saying it in front of members, but I am thining it.

@Churchpain I met a guy named John Johnson. His son is named John John. So, the kid is John John son of John Johnson. But then I find out that the dad is really John Johnson III, so he should really be John John John John Johnson. People would think he has a stutter when they first meet.

Although, a John Smith XXVI would be something

Why do people make a big deal about having IV or V at the end of their name? Do you want us to be proud for you and your long history of uncreative ancestors?

When someone tells you to "Hold your horses," they're just encouraging you to be stable.

This is how I'd feel all the time. Good thing He is not like me.

Nose piercings are the answer to the question, "What if I could have a nose pimple more often, but shinier?"

I've had John Cage's 4'33" stuck in my head all day.

I wonder if Professor Quirrell ever warned his students that he had eyes in the back of his head.

The pastor this month: Thanks for the nice pastor appreciation card! Another nice card! Thanks. It's funny, I got another card just like this one. That's odd, I got a card like this one too. Oh, CVS only had two Pastor appreciation cards again this year.

Their slogan in this fax should be "If you saved more on toner, we wouldn't have wasted as much of your money to print this"

This cracks me up

In my defense, the pastor used speech to text, and "Fissures of men" seemed like a good enough sermon title.

@scottpsalisbury Just got bored with X.

@ChruchSecretary Are you okay?! Did you go in a social media fast? We haven’t seen you since February. Glad to see you back. I share your thoughts with our church secretary. Signed, a youth pastor.

I had to check how extensive my dieting app is

Speech to text changed "Mandarin orange" to "Mantrum rage" and now I have a new phrase for when one of the boys throws a fit.