Cooker

Host: Paradise will never be the same. Me: We’ve secretly replaced the contestants’ gourmet coffee with Folger’s Crystals. #BachelorInParadise

Hey, @grok, fold my laundry!

Hey @grok, do my dishes. 🤷‍♂️

Roman Reigns raises his gloved hand. Me: I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad. #Wrestlemania

@shehasfreckles Squeaked into my playoffs this year and finished fifth. My goalies sucked. Haha

clinched my division.. but not good enough 🏒🥈 tough day today.. please respect my privacy at this time

@viviiurs One … has too many products on her nightstand. 🤷‍♂️

describe me and my sister

Ron Weasley yelling “Expensive Petroleum” while filling up his car might be the peak of comedy 🤣

Name a cancelled TV show that needs to be brought back

sorry i can’t tonight, i already have plans..

“It’s a great grape day. Hey, hey, hey.” Don’t remember what the commercial was for but can’t get it out of my head. #SaturdayThoughts

So many women’s profiles on here say no DMs. Seriously, what do they all have against dungeon masters? 🤷‍♂️

@Hells75Belle Sounds like a good name for a pop punk band.

Oh I guess I’m the only one who has ever weighed themselves after dropping a super dook

@difficultpatty Never!

Maybe you should stop being dumb for Lent.

@shehasfreckles Better than 6-7. Ha!

sweet angels don’t want jewelry.. they want chicken wings & 7-8 Miller Lites

@shehasfreckles I can only imagine what Kate from Gremlins’ horrific Valentine’s Day story would’ve been. 🤔

hey, don’t be sad that you’re alone on Valentine’s Day.. most of those people in relationships are all alone too, but they live with someone & feel alone, bc they’re too cowardly to leave and i promise, that’s like a million times worse 😬 have a beautiful day! 💜

The Ents showing up to take down Isengard

Was the #badbunnysuperbowl halftime show “Children of the Corn” from an alternate dimension? 🤷‍♂️ #SuperBowlLX

I still think #BadBunny missed an opportunity by not going by Wascally Wabbit. #SuperBowl #SuperBowlLX #SuperBowl2026

#KidRock or #BadBunny, if you’re not spending halftime doing round two at the food table, you’re doing halftime wrong.

Wingstop has an ad on FB that says: Take the “sting” out of hosting. But leave the ho. 🤷‍♂️

I keep getting texts about leaving a review for a recent procedure I had done. I’m tempted to respond. How was your recent anesthesia experience? I … don’t … know