Craig Heap

My wife has promised to have the Death Star fully operational in time for the Emperor's arrival.

FOLLOW & RETWEET to win 🦅 A SKELETAL RAVEN PAL 🌙 astrology Kindle/eReader case 🎴 eldritch tarot deck 📙 grimoire USB 💀 Cultist Simulator Perpetual Edition for #lovecraftday, Lovecraft’s 130th birthday! winners revealed on 20th aug. FAQ: bit.ly/33rxWOy GOOD LUCK!

Just had conversation with a British couple who have a holiday home near us. They voted for Brexit and have made no arrangements whatsoever for what happens on Jan 1. They have now discovered the reality of their situation. The blame apparently is with "Brussels".

@leanne_maz @thewennandonly That's pretty good. We've broken containment twice in the last two months for Food From The Outside, so we're happy. Well, at least until symptoms develop next week...

@CraigHeap @thewennandonly PS we made our own chips, with actual real potatoes, in a fryer that's previously only been used for pakora. I am winning at lockdown.

There's a new Trek show (adventures of Captain Dad). It's Friday, the sun is out and @CraigHeap has gone in search of chips. All in all. Not bad.

@generallucifer He was always a handsome man, but now he's stepped into the silver fox arena and absolutely slain the opposition.

Got myself a new mancrush!!!

@thewennandonly @leanne_maz

@CraigHeap @leanne_maz Missed a trick here

@thewennandonly @leanne_maz Am I joke to you? I dodge feral youths, Covid-riddled zombies, and angry church ministers to bring home chips, and this is entertainment?

@leanne_maz @CraigHeap I'm glad we entertain someone!

@thewennandonly Ok. Texting you heinous crimes against church and state now.

@CraigHeap Why is this on twitter?

@thewennandonly No. I'm already in trouble with the church after the last time I acquired flowers for you. I mean, how was I to know that was a memorial?

@CraigHeap Flowers!

@thewennandonly Got them. Owt else?

@CraigHeap Onion rings!

@heavybrew @CAMRA_Official All the pubs and pubcos will belong to the state by the time we reach the endgame.

@CraigHeap @CAMRA_Official Why yes! And the pubcos who accept them will have rinsed their tenants and restocked their cellars with cheap generic cask . Perhaps they should not be valid in outlets which refused to cancel rents

Clever move by @CAMRA_Official here. All of the vouchers are valid until May 2021, as opposed to their usual quarterly approach. Hopefully pubs are open again by 2021...

@generallucifer I hear that. Went shopping on Wednesday. Thought "that'll do for the Bank Holiday". I'm already on the cusp of flouncing around the house like Withnail complaining that we're out of booze.

I now stare blankly at the interior of the fridge more than I watch telly.

Classic Bank Holiday weekend. I've already got sunburn.

@RuariOToole "Sir, you're late for your meeting with the Tunnocks Trade Delegation."

@CraigHeap But how about these?

"The Council will decide your fate"

@RuariOToole I'd sub the onion for pickled onion, otherwise that's a top sarnie.

Oof that's a proper sarnie

@generallucifer Keep watching the skies, Sky Colonel!

@CraigHeap You’ve earned furlough, soldier. Three hard months in the #SkyNavy makes a man love a Friday.

It’s nice not hearing the usual cunts squawking on about THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY, isn’t it?