DaddyJew

please doctor, it’s his foot. it’s really loose

My kid lost a tooth, but he also recently learned the truth about the Tooth Fairy, so now he's just shaking me down directly for Robux

moths are nothing but jealous butterflies

If you don't own a pizza cutter we probably can't be friends...

I hate when I get to the office and there isn't a smoking crater where the building is.

stepped on a squeaky toy just to squeal something

I bought cigarettes and beer for some teenagers today. They didn't ask me to, but somebody has to do something.

You never leave the house for 10 years and suddenly everything outside is different.

[bragging to my date about how I could definitely kick Grimace's ass when her expression suddenly changes] he's behind me isn't he?

Tone Loc's full name is Anthony Locomotive.

Starting to suspect I've acquired a cursed artifact or two

Judge: how do you plead? Me: pretty please

she’s a 10 but she thinks she understands pig oinks

Lindsey Graham was my least favorite graham cracker anyways

*reads the news That Graham cracker died. There should be free graham crackers for all

Me: im tired, we should go to sleep Brain: we raging Me: oh, ok

Her: wanna go to the aquarium? Me: I’ll sleep with the fishes when I’m dead Her: so, no?

Every time I'm in a coffee drive-thru line, I discover they've invented an even bigger SUV

You scratch my back, I'll eat you out. I'm bad with proverbs

The best way to handle some people is to just keep your distance.

I'll take my hunger out on you.