DaddyJew

snapped peas are just regular peas that have finally had enough of everyone’s bullshit

let the Drake dick riding commence

im definitely the most gangster motherfucker in this neighborhood with a hummingbird feeder

Sometimes I be waking up before my brain wakes up

The early bird deserves a nice body bag

*wakes up before the early bird, just to chirp in that mf’s ear

you can’t teach an old dog new tricks but you can teach a Snoop Dogg how to pimp a new product

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have been the first one to say I love you.

It’s weird when you’re in the midst of an argument and they start numbering issues, like some kinda investigative reporter.

She’s a 10, but she’ll hate a sports team based entirely on their logo.

Some people should re-watch Sesame Street before going out in public.

Where are the hot dog vendors in airports

One minute you're young and carefree, and the next, you're into birds.

Me: quit acting like you’re a big deal A big dill pickle: oh I am

Okay this cluster ain't gonna unfuck itself

you’re grasping at balls bro

giving my tamagotchi a viking funeral

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they've ever seen in the wild.

oh no, im becoming a gym bro, yo