DaddyJew

have your guardian angel call my guardian angel

Rosemary’s baby implies the existence of a Thyme or possibly Savory baby

overheard on the train this morning: "i think that guys listening to our conversation”

We need a nightly news guy who comes on at 6:30 just shaking his head saying "I don't even know where to start"

not now bro i’m accepting things i cannot change

say what you will, but a twat waffle actually sounds quite delicious

I choose to see the good in others. Just kidding, people suck.

The definition of insanity is believing in happily ever after

my glass house and i would just like some privacy. so please, just let us be you fucking pieces of shit

in the back of my mind im always amazed there’s so much going on in the front of my mind

And now we return to our regularly scheduled oh look more dumb shit already in progress

Son: some kid just cut in line in front of me Me: it’s ok, we’ll get it back in blood Son: ok, wait..what?

New stickers spotted at gas pumps 🎯

In every relationship there is a crazy one, oddly enough it’s always been me

what do you say we turn this house of horrors into a home of horrors

I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT (at the marriage registry because I love u)

television had me growing up believing there would be a lot more unattended pies on open windowsills

till lack of communication do us part

He's not a boyfriend, he's a symptom

Life: I’m out of lemons is Pepsi ok?

Me: How come nobody ever calls me Snookums?? Cop: