FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF

Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.

My timeline is just a collection of people you’d never put on speakerphone.

me: [first day as therapist] name something that causes you anxiety patient: being weighed me: it says here your name is frank

Rewards program? Thank you, but I consider the opportunity to dine at Burger King reward enough.

The guy about to do my vasectomy looked familiar so I asked him “don’t you work at McDonald’s?” And he said, “yeah, can’t a guy have two jobs?”

Willie Nelson is 93 and releasing his 156th album. I am considering a golf cart to go to the mailbox

[first date] *whispering to self* no whammies, no whammies, no whammies

*trying not to be awkward* Them: Nice to meet you Me: FROSTED FLAKES ARE JUST SEXY CORN FLAKES

@signalborder That's strange. My other son, Air Drum, is surprisingly quiet.

@sofarrsogud Same with my son, Air Horn.

Elon's lucky he can bring his son, Saxon, to a restaurant. I can't bring my son, Klaxon, anywhere. He's just too loud.

I don't care if people are happy to see me, I have dogs for that.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket" Well I just have the one egg

kiss me beneath the flickering lights of the 7-Eleven

Make each day count, you stupid fool. -me as a life coach

Progress is only progress if it makes things better

Leopard: Rawwwr Snow leopard: A licky boom boom down

[shaking my head a little so the microplastics floating around in my brain gently settle on my frontal lobe] bet

Everybody tells you to take a chill pill but nobody ever offers you one

My wife stormed into the bar last night as the boys and I were downing shots.... "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No, I'm not," I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to our kids!"

@cathy_librarian 🤷🏼😂

@sofarrsogud 😂😂😂

Welcome to Garbage Twitter, we put the F U in FUN.