Dick, Dick, Double Dick

Scammers really have cornered the market on second hand sofas haven't they.

@fesshole Never occurred to me but I'm going to try it now. Great idea!

In the shower I have always washed myself with a giant car washing sponge. I have no idea if this is normal or not. Secretly I hope it isn't normal and is my own little hack. It makes so many bubbles that I can't imagine anyone not doing it.

@fesshole If your dog's scrounging then the dynamic of your relationship isn't right man. The dog's a pack animal, you have to build the relationship with it, you're the leader, it's the follower. It'll do what it wants if it thinks it's equal to you. Or worse if it considers itself alpha.

I love dogs, but when it comes to meal times I deliberately eat all my food so they can't have extras. Especially after they've just been fed. Fuck off you scrounging little bastards

@fesshole I hope the sound works both ways and Sade becomes their new lovemaking music.

Old lady in the top flat died. New tenants are a newly married couple. Never noticed it with the old lady but there's a pipe that relays the sound from their bedroom to our kitchen. Not sure if I should tell them or how to do so. I play Sade to mask their breakfast shagging.

@fesshole Clearly hasn't tried crack.

As a treat, my mum would let me eat the fat on the outside of corned beef before she made dinner with the meaty part. I'm 78 now and I still love eating the congealed fat on the outside of corned beef. I don't understand how crack cocaine could be a greater joy than meat fat.

@fesshole So make bigger batches. Fuck it, might as well start a chicken shop. Call it Unlucky Fried Kitten.

For years I've been perfecting cooking my own KFC chicken so that I can cook it at home & save money. I have perfected the recipe & cooking method to a point no-one can tell the difference. Problem is the cost to make one batch costs way more than buying a bucket from KFC.

@fesshole So glad that future archaeologists will know that we never walked alone.

I work in a specialised trade restoring historic buildings. I've been lucky enough to work on some of the oldest & well known buildings across Europe. In quite a few of them i've written 'Kopites are gobshites' in hidden places that would never get found unless it got demolished

@fesshole Is the fess the deceit, the gluttony or the littering? Or is this a 3 for 1?

Every time I get McDonald's for me & the Mrs I get an extra mayo chicken, eat it on the drive back home and litter the wrapper out of the car window so there is no evidence. Been doing it for years now.

@fesshole I can handle all the weird, conceited, disloyal, downright dirty fesses but littering... Fuck you, you damn tramp. You're the fucking worst.

@fesshole Our passions aren't bullshit cos you don't have time for them. Just imagine yourself in a universe where you didn't have kids. I hope you get back to your hobbies when your kids grow up and stop hating on people who have leisure time.

I'm a dad bringing up a family on their own. I have leaned this: hobbies are dominated by men because women are just too busy. If men did their fair share they'd be too busy to meet up and argue over whatever bullshit passion they have.

@fesshole She saw it but kept quiet. Learn to wipe properly ffs. Shocked how many dirty ass fesses there are, you nasty nasty tramps.

Fooling around with my ex, she pushed me down the bed with some force. Not wearing any shreddies to act as barrier, I left a skid mark the length of the Mississippi River. Still no idea to this day how she didn't see it. I stripped the bed asap and blamed it on the jizz stains.

@fesshole Sounds like a lonely hill to die on. I'm full circle on your conundrum and see people cos I instigate it. And that's fine.

I'm a 40 year old man who has recently realised whenever I see any friends it's because I have instigated it, well, I'm stopping from today. Let's see if I see anyone again before I die.

@fesshole What a headache, having to move again so soon.

My wife's fees. Moved into a new house. A cat kept appearing at the door begging. Wife got it into her mind that the cat was lost. Ended up giving it away on Facebook marketplace. Couple of day later next door neighbour knocked on door asking if we had given the cat away.

@fesshole So, you've trained her that there's a magic basket where she can dump anything and it reappears clean and folded in her room. Not surprised she abuses it, who wouldn't.

My 19yo daughter wears so many clothes - multiple changes a day. And she dumps her stuff in the washing basket till it's overflowing. I now take it out, fold it, and put it back in her room. They rarely need washed anyway.

@fesshole There are only about three right wing comedians, and I use the term loosely. But lefties are unfunny. Ok bud.

Lol. Link is over here --> bsky.app/profile/fessho…

@fesshole 10 is too long! They'll be mushy inside and falling apart in the roasting dish.

I had a running argument with someone at work. I insisted you need to parboil potatoes for 10 minutes to get the best roasties. They insisted you didn't. This went on for the entirety of her 18 month contract. I specifically didn't renew their contract as I'm right.

@ZssBecker Sat with your friends?

Enjoying a raw ribeye as I contemplate what dead animal meme coin I will deploy capital into. This is the way of man.

@fesshole Fine. Just don't act like a knob when we undertake you.

I tried to drive within the speed limit at all times however my main motivation for this is not because that's the law. It's simply because I like to see the faces of the irate drivers behind me getting all annoyed because I've made them slow down to the speed limit.

@fesshole This was written by a bald man.

I'm young and have a great head of hair. I love going to the barbers knowing I'll be watched by older men with less hair, as mine is cut short and wastefully dropped to the floor. Knowing it will all grow back again. Knowing I am follicly superior.

@ZssBecker Bit rich, given you've had your tongue as far up Trumps arse as you could get it for 20 tweets a day for months. Tbf though, forgetting everything you've said won't be hard.

If you voted/are on the left. Let's drop the conflict and get back to focusing fully on making a fuck ton of money. Enough politics. Let's bro out. Let's get to work. 🤝♥️