Dan Fitzpatrick

"What was the crime?" "Arson." "Any suspects?" "Our son." "I know, but who did it?" -The legal thriller sequel to 'Who's on First?'

Dear Flight Attendants, No eggnog? Just say so. NO NEED FOR THAT LOOK

@StephenKing I work in the Empire State Building, and the elevator screen is stuck like this. Am I being transported to a terrifying floor in another dimension?

Failed my CPR class for pointing at the dummy and saying “Sometimes dead is bettuh” in a thick Maine drawl

“Whoa, you couldn’t make that today!” - me watching any movie than took more than one day to film

I listen to all my podcasts at 3x normal speed. It’s not an efficiency thing; I just really love Alvin & The Chipmunks.

“The name’s Bond. James Bond.” “The code’s 007. 281007.” - James Bond signing in with two-factor authentication

Check out my latest in McSweeney’s!

Judges really get pissed when you kick off your testimony with two truths and a lie

The Last Waltz has the Neil Diamond performance, Stop Making Sense has Chris Frantz doing terrible stage banter during Genius of Love. Every great concert film needs one inexplicably bad moment.

This week’s celebrity deaths have been particularly tough on dads who scream at the TV

China hosted the first all-robot soccer game today. It’s the perfect sport for robots since the score is usually just zeroes and ones.

No doubt that at some point in the past hour a bunch of ICE agents were frantically googling “comptroller”

In the year 2025, staring contests aren’t hard because you can’t blink. They’re hard because you can’t look at your phone

Doctors say Q-tips are bad for you, so now I scoop out my earwax with a needle I found in the park

Tough day for everyone who thinks the Vice President doesn’t have any power

To learn more about the succession plan for an elderly Christian leader, see either Conclave (2024) or The Santa Clause (1994).

There’s nothing sadder than a self-published self-help book. “Good news! Here’s 300 pages of advice that nobody asked for.”

“Ya know, you’re actually more likely to be hurt by a dull knife.” - me, badly making small talk with Salman Rushdie

23andMe’s bankruptcy is a major win for those of us who collect people’s saliva not for money, but just for love of the game

Restaurants should rebrand “eating family style” as “let your picky friend order for everyone!”