Noodles

stop eating those capsules you wash your clothes with. please. twitter.com/i/moments/1005…

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who has temporary tattoos.

My daughter asked me what it's like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, "hi."

@TheBoydP Boyd 💔 I’m a wee bit late in seeing this, but I’m so so sorry. Sending lots of love to you and family xxxx

We buried my father yesterday. He loved giving advice with humor and made sure we understood the importance of family, education, steadfastness and believing in yourself.  My wife says I’m just like my father.

dance like nobody's horrified

Anxiety is so embarrassing. Oh no, I’m terrified at the farmers’ market.

All of the problems started when we stopped roller skating.

i’m on here risking future employment for 6 likes

If i was an elephant I'd trample all your crops into dust

@armyVet1972 Love you 🎸 hope all is well 🖤🖤

@Dawn_M_ hey buddy I love you

I don't think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.

Baby boomers: I would die for my country. Millennials: I would die for my cat. Gen Z: I would die.

I don't talk about this much but I'm a Livin La Vida Loca survivor

I think it's time to take our relationship to the next level. I'd like you to meet my therapist

found out my cat has outstanding warrants

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

@talkingattheTV2 @capnwatsisname

@Dawn_M_ @capnwatsisname I always can't stop crying.

I found a backpack and it wasn't filled with dinosaur eggs and now I can't stop crying.

911: What is your emergency? Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.

no one tells you the older you get the more often you check your weather app

Oh great, here I go again with Whitesnake references.