Detective Franklin Mosely

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I’ve been peeing blood for four days because I got a bidet. Monday night : I feel sick. Everyone in my family has a cold. NBD. Tuesday: man, why do I get so sick when everyone else is fine? Man flu, I guess. Wednesday: oh shit I am really sick. Why am I not getting better? Wednesday night: it burns…when I pee? Thursday: cannot get fever down. Now I’m doubled over in pain after peeing. Wife convinces me to go to doctor (gentlemen, marry a good woman!). Doctor (physician assistant actually and it was the 3rd place we drove to because 🇺🇸) has me do a pee test. There’s blood in your urine. You have a UTI. Ah now I see why I wasn’t getting better from the cold! It was the UTI all along! Get antibiotics and start taking them. There’s an unlikely chance that the uti is resistant to that antibiotic. We’ll find out later. Friday: feeling worse but am taking way more symptomatic relief so I’m functional. Take a shower, pee in my hand looking for blood to measure progress. Ohhhh that really hurts. Is that a booger? Oh no it’s coagulated blood. Oh shit. Go to the ER. Do another pee sample. Proudly produce a cup of urine, with blood and blood clots/coagulated blood for testing. They tell me the clots are probably just the infection not something worse because my kidneys don’t hurt. Young female doctor checks my penis. Says the word “excellent” while my wife is in the room. This gives me the strength to fight on. They prescribe backup antibiotics in case my uti is resistant to what I’m on but it’s unlikely. Go home. Today: feel better actually but still moaning hard every time I pee and peeing lots of blood! Get a call from Thursday’s PA. You have E. coli that is resistant to the antibiotics you’re on. Oh shit that explains why I ended up at ER. Infection was not being affected by drugs. How the fuck did I get E. coli? When you use a bidet it shoots water at your butthole and E. coli is in healthy people. Well I shot water into my butt which then ended up getting shot into my penis. That’s the best explanation I can come up with! Lessons: 1. Physicians assistants can be pretty good actually! The one I saw figured out root cause and addressed possibility resistance. 2. Teaching hospitals seem to give the best care. If you’re not sure which hospital to go to near you, pick the one attached to the good university. 3. Antibiotic resistance is real! Make sure you pick the right drug and finish the course, not just for you, but for whoever gets that bacterium next. 4. Marry someone who cares about you. Man…my wife has been juggling 2 kids plus me. I am extremely grateful. That said, having her drive me to the doctor was perhaps the scariest part of this experience. Also in-laws. My wife spent 4-5 hours with me in ER. Without in laws do we have our kids with us? It takes a village. 5. Bidet poop water can get in your pee hole at the right angle and this can give you a uti. Thats what I think I learned…but unfortunately this isn’t done. Im still peeing blood. Thanks to everyone who wished me well when I posted I was in an ER (0 people). Hopefully round 2 antibiotics work 🙏

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