Dan Crowley

Usually my parents’ house shakes when I bring a girl home at night but today it was due to a meteor

@MikeCorc2 @ShamsCharania I’m on the phone with Eastern Bank doing everything in my power to cancel the wedding gift check I gave to you

@ShamsCharania @Dizzybeats16 you have another brother you never told us about? Congrats to the family

BREAKING: The Orlando Magic are finalizing the hire of San Antonio Spurs associate coach Sean Sweeney as the franchise's new head coach, sources tell ESPN. Sweeney broke into NBA coaching in 2011 and now lands the Magic head job as a top rising candidate.

My phone percentage drops from 60 to 20 like it just drove past a state trooper on the highway

Starting today, but ending tomorrow, I no longer work at The Greatest Bar so please don’t text me to skip the line after the Bruins game

Go Go Go Go Planet It’s Your Earthday We Gon Party Like It’s Your Earthday We Gon Sip Bacardi Like It’s Your Earthday And Neptune We Don’t Give A Fuck It’s Not Your Earthday!!

Shock collars but for bartenders who like to leave from behind the bar

Whenever I’m hungover all I can think about is that Blink 182 song that says “I guess this is throwing up”

Cardi B’s at The Garden tonight. I can’t wait to say to a concert goer “So will you be paying in cash or with your credit cardi?”

I met a mom of a player in the nhl tonight and I asked her if she could text her son to make sure he had 3 shots on net tonight and it had nothing to do with the fact I needed him for over 2.5 shots on goal at +400

Life of a bar manager: “Do you know what time I’ll be done tonight?” Ummm you haven’t even punched in to start your shift yet, so why don’t we get that done first

If they put an ICE facility in New Hampshire could someone get me a contact number so I can find out if they have an over 40 hockey league

I took shrooms tonight and I don’t think they did anything so I had my pet dinosaur type this post

When I say “I bought a new coat today” what I actually mean is; I finally brought home a jacket I really like that someone forgot at the bar over two weeks ago

A patron came up to me tonight and said “Hey Chris is Dan working tonight?” And I just said yes…and then stared at him for 9 minutes

Do DUI’s in the US transfer to Greenland? Asking for a friend who identifies as myself

A drunk guy got cut off at the bar and asked to speak to the manager So he comes up to me and says “I’m 50 years old I could be your dad” And I said well that would mean you had me at 8 years old, you don’t need to speak to a manager you need to speak to a psychotherapist

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hearting my own tweets

Stefon Diggs himself into another hole

The day my anxiety started was when I was 15 and had to use the microphone at Prince Pizza to call out people’s food orders. I’m not Tupac I don’t want All Eyez on Me

@AmandaHitt What about taking your contacts out after sleeping with them in though?

Taking your bra off truly is the best feeling