The Scientist

(Flipping the sign on my "kitten bakery and adoption center" from open to closed) these crumbly crumbly kittens are gonna be the death of me

If you don't love Miranda Bailey you can't expect anyone to love you.

Time travelers aren't invisible, they're celebrities

I have definitive proof that Smash Mouth traveled back from the future to try and save the world but, unfortunately failed and became trapped in a hell they created.

Omg cardinal like the pope

@halfway_zen Tbf we were unsuccessfully toward "Kill"

@DrJohnCLilly oh that reminds me i was listening to this npr program the other day and they started talking about experiments involving dolphins and i said out loud "is this the john c lilly experiment" and of course it was

"everything boils down to numbers" Shut the fuck up and allow me to introduce you to out deadly bottlenose dolphin

Sounds fun but I'm too busy smoking fake weed with my made-up fri3nds

@vander_imnot @vander_iam (Heavily nodding) he's sweet enough

You can't make beyblades anymore they are baebladees

If I could travel to 9/11 I would've explained to madden that they just need to develop Madden Online and charge people a monthly subscription

>banker dad botched FDR coup >be named Magog, ally of Satan, in Skull & Bones >CIA-linked oil co. with family friends >failed run for congress >ice JFK to avenge Allen Dulles >CIA director >VP >POTUS >invent Baudrillardian warfare >Son #2 and friends rig election for Son #1 >die

I disrespect physical excersize because I don't agree with anyone who insinuates I have a "core"

Podcast where I count starting at 1 on episode one and if I mess up we start over

I'll split hairs if I want maybe it's thick maybe it's wrong too

@vander_iam The greeks and their gods

If you're gonna put a fried egg on a sandwich, the yolk should be broken when you're frying it I will not be apologizing for this tweet

I am working on a way to get stinkier