Baron Spoonfields 🦓

The body was never found.

Me: “Should convicted felons have the right to vote?” MAGA dude: “Absolutely not” Me: “So you’re not okay with convicted felons participating in our elections.” MAGA dude: “No way” Me: “But you still support a convicted felon becoming President and plan to vote for him?”

@alitaylor Me. It's called me.

@BN_Writes I do, because it lets me know which one might not be strictly the original.

When novels are made into movies, the next printing of the books usually features images from the movie for the cover art. Do you like that?

@JuddLegum Don't threaten me with a good time.

9. "It's a communist system. You're going to be thrown into a system where everybody gets health care"

4. "It was a coup by people that wanted them out and they didn't do the way, not the way they're supposed to do it. $129 more on energy and $241 more. This is all per month on rents, so you have that 148, 129, 241 and then many other increases."

One thing we don't talk about regarding Alzheimer's is the incredibly dark humour it engenders. Yesterday dad came up to me with his crossword book, furious. 'Someone's done all my blummin words!' Dramatic pause 'In MY handwriting!!' *Scandalised*

@alisonrlockwood @sacha_coward But did you have an alibi? 🧐

@sharoncurtis @sacha_coward Same, Mum, same.

@sacha_coward Yeah. I had the following with my mother: "Come on, mum, you need to take a shower." "No, I don't want to." "Why not?" (emphatically) "Because it's wet."

@ottertitties It depends on the circumstance. For instance, I may hear something and say "In-tres-ting." But if there's something off about it, "That's ve-ry in-ter-es-ting." And if it's particularly mysterious, it might be "Veddy in-ter-es-ting" in a Clouseau voice.

Someone recently asked me how I pronounce the word "interesting," and ever since then I've felt like I'm in a Twilight Zone episode where I'm the only one left who uses 3 syllables (in-tres-sting) instead of 4 (in-ter-es-sting). WHEN DID THIS CHANGE? Am I just old?

@RockyMountViews Lemon

If you get a check in the mail, open it and deposit it outside the house using your phone. If you open the check inside the house, the house will see it and something will immediately break down.

@MsUnformation Like!

@byMorganWright Yeah, but it also needs "Turn left at the place that used to be the old Johnson farm" to be authentic.

Who else gives directions like this💀😂😂??

@_Opportunista_ @RockyMountViews I'm well known for not recognizing people at work when they change their hair color.

@RockyMountViews I once completely forgot a new coworker whom i had worked a shift with a wk before (she was wearing glasses one time, and not the other). Introduced myself and everything. Even when she said we'd met before my mind was blank, until she pulled out a yellow wallet which i recalled.

@RockyMountViews My world

@Mic_Burt Build the wall! Mexico might even chip in for that one -- along with every other country in the world except Russia and North Korea.

@Dusty_Zee @shay3322 Can we just wall off one of his golf courses and toss him in there instead? Let him "win" tournaments every week.

@kpmaloyauthor Is this a trap like when a guy told me his last name was "Nurnberg, like the city in Germany"? (That's the actual spelling of his name there, which is what I had to look him up under.) 🤔

If an elegant woman introduced herself as “Alexandria, like the city”, how would you pronounce her name?

@RockyMountViews Oh god, I hate those things!