Ian Fitz

My dad refuses to believe his daughter is autistic on the basis he’s not, before determinedly showing us his shell collection in the middle of a family meal

I spent some time at the golf shop earlier this evening. I was getting my clubs re-shafted for the second time this year due to my increased swing speed. After I had dropped my bag with the shaft master, I decided to try out a few drivers in the simulator just for fun. Naturally, it was a masculine stripe show. A crowd gathered, and I began to feed off the energy of all the masculine guys admiring my form. My hips thrusted hard, powering the engine of my stroke as I nuked ripper after ripper with a PING G430. “Why can’t you hit it like he does?” I overheard a woman ask her boyfriend in a hushed tone, “he’d outdrive you with a 7 wood.” After I finished up and the crowd dissipated, I couldn’t help but notice that same young couple was next in line for the simulator. It turned out he was there for a fitting because he couldn’t hit a driver over 200 yards and needed to get a senior shaft on his driver. He could barely look at me as I walked past, clearly emasculated by my performance. I couldn’t help but notice that he had a photo of Rory McIlroy as his phone background. Since he had outed himself as a beta male, I decided to have a bit of fun with him. “You might want to skip right to the ladies' shafts, son. I think the seniors will still be too stiff for you,” I said, looking at his girlfriend with a twinkle in my eye. To my surprise, she responded. “I hope your woman realizes how good she has it,” she said playfully. I told her I was happily unshackled, and her tone of voice changed. It became abundantly clear that she was infatuated with me. Normally, this amuses me, but this time, it was different. I felt pity for this man. “So, you’re telling me that having a man who can hit bombs off the tee is what cranks your tractor?” I asked. She said yes. “All right, let’s make it happen,” I said. I walked past her into the simulator and put my arm around her boyfriend's shoulder. “I’m going to turn you into a man today. No more Rory McIlroy. No more soy lattes. You need someone to show you the way, and it’s your lucky day.” I lined up behind him and began walking him through the basics of the golf swing. Demonstrating everything from hand placement to rotation to the hips. Just a few minutes later, he was hitting the ball 50 yards further and significantly more straight than he was before. We worked up a bit of a sweat throughout the course of reshaping his swing, so I suggested we head out and grab a cold domestic and keep talking about his game. “Oh, I’d love to, but I rode here with my girlfriend,” he said. I shook my head and told him, “That was your first mistake. Let’s ditch the hen and head out. I’ll give you a ride home.” We snuck out the back door and jumped in my truck. I started it up and then looked him in the eye and said, “Have you ever been to Hooters?”

It's official. We've joined CPTPP:    ➡️ Biggest trade deal since Brexit    ➡️ Major free trade bloc in Indo-Pacific  ➡️ £1.8 billion boost to the UK    I want our economy to be the most innovative in the world.  Here’s how CPTPP will help do that and grow our economy 🧵👇

I have just formally signed the UK’s entry into CPTPP in Auckland, New Zealand 🤝 This will be a big boost for British businesses and open up huge opportunities and unparalleled access to a market of over 500 million people in the Indo-Pacific and beyond 🇬🇧📈

One country invading another is never a good thing… It makes for a volatile, unstable and aggressive world, particularly when sovereign states now have nuclear capability… Yet part of me feels we, in the U.K., were invaded by a hostile force. This government has attacked every value I grew up with of decency and compassion. They have attempted consistently to pass laws to undermine and reconfigure a fair, inclusive society. They have done so whilst promoting their own values of selfishness, greed, ignorance and loathing for anyone vulnerable or disadvantaged. We may not have been invaded by a foreign power… But those at the helm of this country do not wish us well. They pass laws to allow our waters to become riddled with sewage, effectively dance on graves during a pandemic, nepotistically embezzle or lose billions of public funds, empower corrupt mp’s, increase financial disparity, destroy dreams of stable safety and security and encourage bigotry and racism with their idiotic, uncaring policies. Invaders normally seek to divide and conquer new lands. This government is the most divisive of my lifetime… We can’t let them conquer whatever beauty we have left. Democracy can work for us. We still have the power to claw back the country they stole…