Emily

@dsonoiki 🥴

in middle school i called this girl's house to ask her to a dance and her mom was like "this isn’t the pretty Emily house" to this day, I feel awful for her and how evil her mother was but also her mom was right, I had accidentally called the ugly Emily

international women's day only being 23 hours is objectively funny

Reading as an adult is cool and all, but where’s the personal pan pizza for reaching my reading goals?

Me logging into the Zoom call with that one Canadian coworker tomorrow.

i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it

@arlycay06 hahahaha

@EmilyEdmisten I just showed this to Jacob because I thought he’d like it and then he said “that’s my like on it” 😂😂😂

I used to have such distain for babies. Then I had two. I was told after I had babies I'd like them more. It just isn't true. I still hate the Cowboys.

I'm ready to be transformed by the ibuprofen. I'm ready to be born again in its purifying light

catherine o’hara please say sike right now

@arlycay06 a Nodel Peas prize. I like it

We could probably give him a fake Nobel prize to pacify him and he wouldn’t know the difference. Just make a big deal of it and let fake news cameras come in.

Once Christmas is over, all the magic is gone and all is left is the leftover glitter and dust. I call it post chestnut clarity

'Ya’ll, I think this grass is excited to see me?'

I don’t need a maid. I just need someone to tell me once a week that they’re coming to visit and I’ll panic clean my entire house in less than an hour.

When Harry Met Sally (1989)

A Muppets Christmas Carol is better than James Cameron’s Avatar

@arlycay06 @GrantSlatton Mine was Aladdin and Hercules. Also, weirdly, kindergarten cop.

@GrantSlatton Oh I absolutely did this in the early 2000s with my VHS tapes of Aladdin and CATS.

i know so many parents whose kids watch Frozen or some other movie literally every day, for months at a time feels like this was not a thing among kids in the 90s obviously pressing 'play' is so easy, but rewinding a VCR isn't hard either what explains?

every marriage has a personality hire and then someone who knows how insurance works

CHOMP

My toddler can’t pronounce the k sound, so all words use the t sound instead. Which is adorable. Unless it’s baby shark. Then it’s just hilarious. So, what is Ellie for Halloween? That’s right, baby shart. I mean shark.

@bakwasbandkrein just gotta shoot back "dragon deez nuts" and he'll stop

I'm pregnant and looking for a baby boy name that ends with “on” Help me out before my husband suggests Dragon again 🙂