English Department

@JomboyMedia Really doesn't move the needle when you have a mom that rocks fellatio all night with her magic tongue ring.

Kid's whole year was just made

@avidseries I was in this condition for many months (as a much younger man than what he's typically describing). Much of this was accurate to me. I remember learning eventually when you had to go to the bathroom, not to do it during a shift change. Because that takes forever.

"Eventually [your health issues] will add up beyond your ability to manage them on your own, and you will be sent off to a nursing home. You will become bedridden, unable to walk or even to turn yourself over. You will become completely dependent on nurse assistants to intermittently shift your position to avoid pressure ulcers. When they inevitably slip up, your skin develops huge incurable sores that can sometimes erode all the way to the bone, and which are perpetually infected with foul-smelling bacteria. Your limbs will become practically vestigial organs, like the appendix, and when your vascular disease gets too bad, one or more will be amputated, sacrifices to save the host. Urinary and fecal continence disappear somewhere in the process, so you’re either connected to catheters or else spend a while every day lying in a puddle of your own wastes until the nurses can help you out. The digestive system isn’t too happy either by this point, so you can either have a tube plugged directly into your stomach or just skip the middleman and have an IV line feeding nutrients into your bloodstream. Somewhere in the process your mind very quietly and without fanfare gives up the ghost. It starts with forgetting a couple of little things, and progresses until you have no idea what’s going on ever... [People] don’t remember their own names, they don’t know where they are or what they’re doing there, and they think it’s the 1930s or the 1950s or don’t even have a concept of years at all... So of course you start screaming and trying to attack people and trying to pull the tubes and IV lines out. Every morning when I come in to work I have to check the nurses’ notes for what happened the previous night, and every morning a couple of my patients have tried to pull all of their tubes and lines out. If it’s especially bad they try to attack the staff, and although the extremely elderly are really bad at attacking people this is nevertheless Unacceptable Behavior and they have to be restrained and tied down to the bed... Every day, your doctors will meet with your family another time, and eventually, as your condition worsens and your family has more time to be hit on the head with a big club marked ‘REALITY’, they will start to relent. Finally, they will allow your doctors to take you off of the machines, and you will be transferred to Palliative Care. And you will die, but not quickly. It takes time for the heart to give up, for the lungs to fill with water and stop breathing, for the toxic wastes to build up. It is generally considered wise for the patient to be on epic doses of morphine throughout the process, both to spare them the inevitable pain as their disease takes their course and to spare their family from having to watch them... A lot of families, faced with the prospect of missing work and school to sit by what’s basically a living corpse day in and day out for weeks just to watch it turn into a non-living corpse, politely decline. I absolutely 100% cannot blame them. This is the way many... die. Old, limbless, bedridden, ulcerated, in a puddle of waste, gasping for breath, loopy on morphine, hopelessly demented, in a sterile hospital room with someone from a volunteer program who just met them sitting by their bed." slatestarcodex.com/2013/07/17/who…

@Whitey_83 @MarsAreaSD

@EngDeptTV @MarsAreaSD Good work

💙💛⚾️ Mrs. Ingoldsby, JJ Wetherholt’s 5th grade teacher, found this gem for his MLB debut today. The students had to write what they wanted to be when they grew up. So proud of him for living out his dream and knocking it out of the park in his very first at-bat! #marsproud

@Rothmus Which is nice

@MoneyballMemes No one said winning was cheap

Radar gun readings brought to you by fast fashion

@uncledoomer Doomer, those teletype machines are why most of us are here today.

its crazy that you put a woman in front of a telecommunications device and they just automatically start taking their clothes off

@BaseballQuotes1 At the last moment he looked daggers at center field.

Paul Skenes gets taken out of his Opening Day start with just two outs in the first inning

@TheFigen_ I never understand the obsession everyone has arguing with my wife.

That's what arguing with your wife is like. 😂😂 So don’t argue.

@jdleggcan @Noirchick1

@EngDeptTV @Noirchick1 What about clowns? Are they not worthy of love?

Striking out before you even get to say a word.... Buster Keaton and hat check girl Rosalind Byrne.....

@Rainmaker1973 90

60 points to me, and I think no one will get to 100 points. How many did you get?

@JomboyMedia @KNBR Opening Game smoke flag above the Bank of America sign with USA shaped flag in center field while navy guy belts out the national anthem. Enough, guys. Save some for the 4th.

This American Flag made of smoke 🤯 (via @KNBR)

@johnrabe Next time my mother asks why I've produced no grandchildren for her I'm sending her this image.

@EngDeptTV LOL I very much enjoyed that

So, it appears that every #STLCards tweeter was just hired to cover the team for the Cardinals’ official website. Except me. I didn’t even get a feeler in my DMs. Is it something I said? For the last dozen years?

cannot express how much i truly despise the holographic ads behind homeplate

@acteduweininger @InezFeltscher Maybe they can do a Haka dance at their power plants

New Zealand is on track to run out of fuel in about three weeks. First world country btw. No fuel reserves. Refineries closed down under Jacinda Ardern. Deep sea oil exploration banned under Jacinda Ardern. Jacinda Ardern and covid lockdowns. Jacinda and covid.

@nut_history Nice, but that boy really should lay off the breaking stuff at that age.

Major League Baseball is aired in the morning for Japan. So technically they eat breakfast with it being on television. Here’s their #openingday commercial. No hyperbole, when I say this, it might be greater than any US MLB commercial I’ve seen. Well done and worth the watch for any baseball fan.

@JomboyMedia Or maybe ski goggles?

Washington Nationals pitcher Miles Mikolas says MLB players who used performance-enhancing drugs should have to wear a different color hat and a patch on their jersey for the rest of their career