FESSHOLE PROBABILITY

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 82%. Assessor’s note: I love short stories.

I once met Ronnie Corbett and couldn't get over how small he was in real life. When I told him this, he told me to fuck off. I was gutted at the time but with hindsight it was a reasonable response from the little fella.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 78%. Assessor’s note: You really excel at this amazing game. Word.

Every time a new work email arrives, if I can read it and delete before Outlook plays its notification sound, I give myself 10 points

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 90.00%. Assessor’s note: You’ve never had sex, right ?

I get up stupidly early to go to work in the morning, so it's still dark when I leave the house for much of the year. As I go out, I close the main door after stepping into the porch, then say "Open the pod bay doors, HAL" before opening the outer door to step outside.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 85%. Assessor’s note: Get some punctuation in your paragraph, dammit.

Always thought having an affair with a married woman would be more sexy and exciting than shagging a bored 41 year old who's resigned to not leaving her husband because it'd be too hard to get a mortgage on her own at a Premier Inn in Didcot when her childcare arrangements allow.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 72%. Assessor’s note: How many cheque books did you have in your teens ?

I have been an actor since my teens. It took me about 3 years of signing autographs until I realised I shouldn't be using the same signature as the one I use on my credit cards, cheques, contracts, etc. Oops. Had to change both.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 72%. Assessor’s note: Just kill him.

Punched my boyfriend in the lung a couple of times while he was asleep, which startled him awake. I lied and said I had a dream where I was being chased by monsters and had to fight back. Truth is his snoring was pissing me off.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 86%. Assessor’s note: That’s a good way to espresso your frustration.

I used to work at a coffee shop. If a customer was being a rude arsehole, I intentionally messed up their coffee by either diluting or saturating the concentration by a slight amount. I diluted if they were confrontational and I saturated if they were passive aggressive.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 87%. Assessor’s note: That’s no way to espresso your love.

When I make breakfast in bed for my girlfriend, I make a cafetiere of coffee for two. I give her the scum off the top, then pour myself a perfect cup of middle coffee, then top hers up with the sludge at the bottom.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 87%. Assessor’s note: Yeah … that’s a form of domestic abuse and you should leave.

My wife made me install Life 360 on my phone because she thinks I'm having an affair. I'm not. But I drive to random places after work and listen to music for an hour just to piss her off.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 92%. Assessor’s note: Yeah … well you put your apostrophe in the wrong spot.

Gay man here. You married guys are awful at anal sex, you have no idea what you're doing, no wonder your wive's don't let you do it.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 92%. Assessor’s note: You trained 250 miles just to be the man who’s coming home to fess.

Once tried to drive an old banger the 290 miles to Edinburgh, 40 miles into the journey it broke down so I took the number plates off and left it in a lay-by and got the train home.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 86%. Assessor’s note: Hamburglar origin story.

Was at McDonald's drive thru. Some lad about 11 yrs old, showing off a knife stashed in the elastic of his boxers and started waving it round pretending to stab his mates. Realised it was a toy. Still phoned old bill and reported him for being a little cunt.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 86%. Assessor’s note: Invite him along to something that interests you and see what happens.

I'm 31 and have outgrown a friend from school. We don't have much in common and end up having the same conversations when we meet up. Struggling to find a way of telling him it's over

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 86%. Assessor’s note: Silence of the Pams.

I'm a doctor. If I ask you to "breathe through your mouth" whilst I'm listening to your lungs with my stethoscope it's because you won't shut up and stop talking whilst I'm trying to listen to your chest.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 94%. Assessor’s note: Carma.

I've been wheelchair bound since 2018. I am so fucking tired of having my path completely blocked by arseholes parking their cars on the pavement, I now carry a small Swiss Army Knife with one of those metal punch attachements. 33 tyres ruined and counting. Cunts.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : Ottanta percento. Assessor’s note: Relationship is gone-dola.

Took g/f to Venice, planning to propose to her. But first I thought I'd pull a prank where I pretend to get down on a knee to propose, but it's actually to tie my shoe. I did this and my g/f's reaction was "oh thank god, I thought you were going to propose". Didn't propose.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 33%. Assessor’s note: You’ve escaped reality but you’re trapped in your own grandeur.

I have beaten every single escape room in the country. 9 out of 10 times beating other people's record times. In hindsight maybe I should have had Guinness World Records tailing me. I'm bored now, someone make a harder escape room please.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 92%. Assessor’s note: Concise fess, well done !

A woman who was interviewing me for a job complimented me on my appearance & clothing, sounds like nothing but I still remember it, that was back in 2005 and I don't recall receiving a compliment since that wasn't from my mom.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 88%. Assessor’s note: Well done on securing a hall pass after your wife stole 17 hall passes and used them all 👍🏼

Wife cheated on me, truthfully I wasn't that bothered but played it up to get a hall pass. Spent 6 months trying and failing to use it. A real eye opening experience of how unappealing I've become.

@fesshole This confession has been independently assessed and the probability that the confession is true : 2%. Assessor’s note: Should you be interacting with children ? That should not be hard to solve.

In a shop queue, an 8 year old in front of me playing a Rubiks cube, his Mum busy with her shopping. I took the cube and solved it, then handed it back. When the Mum noticed his cube she got very excited. Sorry lady, your boy isn't a genius. He and I exchanged a smile and a nod.