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My phone of the last 5 years exploded, as they do..
So I booted up some old ones I had. I don't know what compels me to keep these? #Nostalgia?
Anyways I found pages of old texts that read like a story book of a life I no longer recognize. What I did realize was all those terrible bad times were 100% real and I handled them all as respectfully and as honest to myself as I possibly could have.
What resulted in my current torment and distain for the world was always brought on by people who never gave a shit about me while I gave them my all for #YEARS on end. I'm lucky for the many things I have but was extremely unfortunate to always place my bets; ALL my chips on the table for the worst people.
All my terrible #feelings and self destruction was justified under these horrible situations of which I can't really share full details. I have become so hollow, never wanting to go through the pain of a 1 on 1 relationship again because of all the times I tried so hard for others. In the end I didn't matter to them, I ended up alone and have been living with that lonesome #broken mess they #abandoned in my brain.
My share of blame was and is real, but I also feel I did not deserve to be led on and tortured my entire young adult life. I can only hope those lessons make me a better person now in some way. I feel I always was the person working for good things but the ones I loved continued to assault the light inside my soul, snuffing it out replacing it with this darkness.
Since #COVID_19 #Pandemic2020 I've lived with no purpose. I've only had myself with the exception of my parents still surviving a 40+ Year #Marriage I continue to try and live for today, but the damage is forever. Please understand these circumstances I've described should my dark soul ever bleed into yours. I'm truly sorry.
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