Frances Hipple

I walked into my mate's barn yesterday to find him dancing naked in front of his tractor. I said what you doing!? He said, “My wife and I haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor.”

A wealthy Frenchman was showing off his yachts. “This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six…” “What happened to five?” his wife asked. “Cinq” he answered.

If you are watching the London Marathon look out for me I’m dressed as a vegetable. That's right I'm a Runner Bean.

I can't take my dogs to the park anymore. The ducks keep pecking them. I should have known this would happen. They’re pure bread

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I'm going to the pub and I'm scared it will be closed.

A pun walks into a room and kills ten people... Pun in, ten dead.

I was at a wedding yesterday, I overheard two little boys chatting when one of them leaned over to the other and asked, “How many wives can a man have?” His friend answered, “Sixteen… four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.”

I was making soup last night and the recipe called for 5 potatoes cubed. 125 potatoes seemed a bit excessive, doesn't it?

My wife asked me where we could go after Easter. I said, “Norther, Souther… or Wester.” Your choice.

I had a hen that could count her own eggs. She was a mathemachicken.

I’m not saying my mate is a bit thick, but when I asked him to spell orange he asked, “The fruit, or the colour?” It kind of caught me off guard.

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

I went into KFC earlier, I said “Can I pay by card?” They said “Sure, what card have you got?” I said, “The six of clubs.”

I spend my time telling people about the benefits of dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

Not a lot of people know this but the singer Bill Withers had a brother called Bear, who wrote telephone hold music.

I've decided I'm going to avoid everything that makes me fat: Pictures, mirrors, scales...

I once knew a farmer who fed Marmite to his pregnant pig. She's just had a litter of 12 Twiglets.

I arrived early at the Restaurant last night. The manager said, "Do you mind waiting for a bit?". I said, "Not at all". He replied, "Great, take these drinks to Table 10".

At this time 6 years ago it was illegal for people to be within 2 m of me... Sometimes I miss that.

Foreshadowing.