Bromeo Santos 🇭🇹

Fuck a destination wedding, I’m gonna have a destination funeral. Let’s see who really loves me.

@NickWatts 9 Vienna sausages and one beer flavored water? What happened to the game I love?

This is like when pickleball was invented and pickleballers were going up to tennis players saying “You play tennis? No way! I just got in to pickleball! Pretty much the same!” That’s how I feel watching weekend drinkers struggle to eat 9 lil smokies and a coors light tallboy

Wait. It’s mini hot dogs and one beer? What kind of challenge is this? Grown men have DIED doing the 9-9-9 challenge and this is how you pay tribute? With JOKES?

Fun fact: The prehistoric era is the only time period that white people could travel to and be in danger.

Whatever you did to get shot and killed by a quadruple amputee, you probably deserved it

Fuckin ONIONS. LETS GO JOHNNIES

Who had “Crip walking at the Oscars” on their bingo card? #oscars

I really hope the WNBA doesn’t go on strike. I need to see A’ja Wilson drop 84 just because

It’s August 1995. Dave Coulier is hanging out at a Tim Hortons in Calgary, ordering a French cruller. Suddenly, “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morrissette comes on. Someone says, “hey…this songs about you, bud” Dave’s brows furrow. He angrily whispers three words. “CUT IT OUT”

Are they gonna get the US team to do what they couldn’t?

@dsonoiki Snape to Harry:

Harry Potter is extremely overrated as a Quidditch player. Here are the facts: First, he has an equipment advantage. Year 1: he didn't even try out. McGonagall just put him on the team. Then he gets a Nimbus 2000 while everyone else is on discount, budget, school-issued brooms Year 3: Harry's Nimbus 2000 gets destroyed by the Whomping Willow and he gets a Firebolt. Once again, he has an equipment advantage Second, he misses too many games. The best ability is availability. Harry played in 9 Quidditch games at Hogwarts. Gryffindor had 13 games during that time. Harry missed 31% of his team's games Now, let's look at Gryffindor's record with and without Harry Book 1: Harry plays the first two games and misses the last one (infirmary). Team goes 2-1. He's 2-0 in games he plays Book 2: Harry plays one game, last two get canceled. Team is 1-0 Book 3: the ONLY season Harry plays all three games. Gryffindor goes 2-1 Book 4: no Quidditch (Triwizard Tournament) Book 5: Harry plays one game, attacks Malfoy, banned for life. Ginny steps in. Gryffindor wins the cup anyway Book 6: Harry plays first two games, misses the last one. Gryffindor wins the cup anyway Book 7: Harry is hunting Horcruxes with Ron and Hermione. Does not appear that Quidditch was played while school was under control of Death Eaters In the 4 games Harry missed, Gryffindor went 2-2. Not great, but they survived without him It's simple. Harry Potter is a great wizard. But as a Quidditch player? He's wildly overrated. You could argue that there are several people better than Harry at Quidditch: Victor Krum, Charlie Weasley, Cedric Diggory, Ludo Bagman, Ginny Weasley, Eunice Murray, Hamish McFarland Also, it's been decades since Harry Potter played Quidditch. The game is much faster now. There are more analytics. The players are more athletic. Even the coaching is different Let's stop hyping Harry as a Quidditch player

WHY IT’S SO MANY JALENS IN THE NBA?! 🤔 Y’ALL EVER SEEN @JalenHurts and @SpeedyMorman in the SAME ROOM? 🤨 IT’S A JALEN INVASION AND I WANT ANSWERS 😤🤬

Doesn't anybody want to impress Jodie Foster anymore?

Yall are lucky Dave Thomas died. There’s no telling what he would’ve done to a Baconator after seeing this

Arby's CEO gonna fuck the flaps off a roast beef sandwich next.

@VanLathan When Phil Leotardo got killed and the car rolled over his head, there’s a guy in the background that yelled “oh shit!” and it almost felt like that guy was just a crew member that didn’t expect it to happen and I laugh every time

What’s the funniest scene in Sopranos history?

It’s only a matter of time before every hack comic at an open mic is making jokes about Tourette’s Syndrome. This is gonna be the new “I’m autistic so I’m gonna say some wild shit”

I usually try to avoid the bait but miss me with this. This has nothing to do with politics, my guy. HE IS PROTECTING PEDOPHILES.

Godammit. This better not be the best we can do in 2028.

USA Men’s hockey won gold and out of everyone they could’ve invited, they thought the director of the FBI, Kash Patel, was their guy?