FusterCluck

@fesshole I heard chlamydia was pretty rife in your area.

Married to a Doctor. Whenever there's an attractive woman in the vicinity she'll say 'that's a patient' and make up some gross affliction she suffers from to put me off. She knows I know it's a lie but says it anyway. My fess is it actually works

@fesshole Did he offer you a 69 Flake?

Middle-aged, worn out, unhappily married. Went to a Yoga class and chatted with a young (30) attractive ice cream van driver. He propositioned me but I had to turn him down on account of the terrible marriage. Deepest regret of my life. Still think about Mr Whippy.

@fesshole Understandable if she now asks you to put the dipstick back in...

My wife has just done a car maintenance course and has started bringing engine terminology into the bedroom. No idea what a slipper piston is but it doesn't do anything for me.

@fesshole He obviously didn't spend any time on a secondiment.

Went on a date to a burger bar recently with a doctor. Very kind and fit lad. Unfortunately, I had to ghost him afterwards because he was adamant during our meal that salad cream and mayonnaise are the same thing. Fuck knows how he got his doctorate.

@fesshole It wouldn't be the first time the sex toys have been involved in a Finish.

Despite the objections of my SO, I am a firm believer that anything that can be cleaned in the dishwasher MUST be cleaned in the dishwasher including, but not limited to: car parts, tools, small fixtures, sex toys and, yes, the toilet brush.

@smurph1905 @fesshole @smurph1905 Nah, Download Festival was more my thing until the last couple of years.

@FusterCluck16 @fesshole Lol. Someone missed out this year

Went to Glastonbury. Took 2 tents with me, 1 to sleep in & the other I erected a few tents down, dug a hole and placed an upturned bucket over it. My own personal toilet. When I left I just packed up my sleeping tent and left the toilet one. Would definitely do it again.

@fesshole At least you didn't forget to cock-in while you were at the conference.

Got sacked from my first job after uni last summer after having a one night stand at a hotel after a conference. Was told it was unprofessional and failed probation. Had to lie to mum and dad that there were "global cutbacks".

@fesshole OP has obviously never stud-ied the origin of that phrase.

When people said "horses for courses" I used to think that they were saying "horses fuck horses". To be honest, both work perfectly well in context.

@fesshole I imagine your mind was blown even further when you started licking windows.

Back in the 70s, in primary school, I used to lick the toilet floor simply because I liked the smell of the disinfectant that was used.

@fesshole Yet again, "I'm not gay or anything" is doing a lot a heavy lifting in this Fess.

The gearstick in my new car has a big bulbous head like a big cock. I stroke it suggestively at traffic lights. I'm not gay or anything, I'm just observing the likeness. I wouldn't stroke a real-life throbbing stiff cock, no chance.

@fesshole Well done - that was quite a feet.

Mutually planned to have a no strings attached one-night stand with someone I'd met online. During foreplay I sucked her toes, but her feet were so ticklish she kicked me in the face & broke my nose. Sat with me in A&E for the rest of the night. Been married to her 8 years now.

@fesshole Especially when they see how much you've spent on prostitutes since then.

I've kept a record of literally everything I've bought since my dad got Lotus Symphony in 1985. Literally every penny I have spent. The lot. It's now in a backed up SQL database. I appreciate this is a little bit weird but future historians will love me.

@fesshole Glad to hear that somebody is railing against profiteering.

When you ask for decaf coffee at an Avanti train's buffet, they charge you £2.60 for hot water and a sachet of Kenco instant. Instead I ask for a cup of hot water and use my own instant coffee when I get back to my seat.

@fesshole And that was the moment that his nickname 'Shitty Steve' was born.

Primary school morning assembly. I did an incredibly loud fart during assembly, which reverberated across the floorboards. I shouted "Steve!" immediately. Steve was called to the front and had to apologise to the entire school for his "crass behaviour. " Soz Steve.

@fesshole Things could get interesting when the cyanide hits you, OP.

Each week I buy fresh cherries and always swallow the stones, hoping to fire them like machine gun bullets into the toilet. Hasn't worked yet, but maybe tomorrow.

@fesshole Don't worry too much - he'll bin the lot of it when you get divorced.

My husband keeps everything I've ever gave to him, I found his crate it's crammed with all the gifts & cards, I threw all the things he gives me away after a while. I feel soo guilty as he's dated each thing in order, including stupid little notes I've left for him.

@fesshole That must have looked like somebody swinging a leg of lamb around in a carrier bag to anyone watching the race.

Halfway through running an outdoor 5k I realised I'd forgotten to put any shorts on. To be fair, my boxers leave more to the imagination than a lot of people's running gear.

@fesshole Alright Chris, we get it - you've been increasingly irrelevant since you left the BBC. We know.

A new young lad named Will joined my team at work, so I greeted him with a "Wiiiiiiill" like they used to do on TFI Friday. Turns out he wasn't born when the program went off air and had never heard of it. No-one knew what the fuck I was on about and I'm now the office weirdo.

@fesshole Bit of a Bum Cruise by the sound of it.

Recently bought myself a small pair of wireless earbuds. I've been using it to play film soundtracks while doing mundane tasks. Most recently I played the theme from Mission Impossible where they infiltrate the Kremlin while I snuck into my office's executive toilets for a shit.