Not Gary Busey

Every time you give your life to save a life, they go on to save two more. It's an inverse exponential preemptive sacrifice.

Actualize your dimensionality

What happens if you have a yeast infection on Passover?

An irrational tangent will sometimes lead you to a unilateral decision

I spent the last three months searching for Atlantis. All I found was an underwater McDonalds. The fries were soggy.

You're always on the level, if you feel so inclined. Think about it.

Per square inch, the bathroom has the largest number of absorbent surfaces.

@ceisen12 celery

Now we know what the one thing is that Meatloaf won't do for love. Share his paints and sponges.

You can tell a lot about someone just by what iPhone app they use on the toilet.

Just showed up at the Oscars and no one is there. What the hell is going on?

@BullShark1979 bring it on, pal.

For those of you who don't know, The Arcade Fire are alien spies hired by the Russian government. You didn't hear it from me, though.

If I was a doctor, every time a waiter brought me my food I'd be like, "great! This is just what the doctor ordered."

if a hot dog runs, and nobody sees it, does it still run? yes.

@asterios I'm pretty sure "vegan" is French for shitty tasting.

@verymarykate Bread? Lunch? Snack?

If State Farm is like a good neighbor, does that mean they'll let me borrow a cup of sugar?

I miss the days when you could smoke in hospitals.

What are you thankful for today? And you're not allowed to say friends, family or health. Or food.