Gaige

If gas gets any more expensive I might just have to start putting things up my butt and cumming into my own mouth for sexual pleasure

I’ve been with girls you couldn’t carry in hotel rooms you definitely could afford

(after getting my ass kicked) there is nothing more pathetic than kicking someones ass

scrolled on my phone instead of reading my book again suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide

Peter Griffin is a good friend because he remembers everything. "This reminds me of the time..." He is always reminiscing, every day of his life means something to him and he shares this with whoever will listen

walking into an office and giving the manager a firm handjob

middle-aged woman i got stuck behind at the orchid show scanned every orchid with a flower identifier app. every single time it said “orchid”

movies my dad likes: take the key to the rendezvous point. or the tesseract will be compromised movies my mom likes: and that was when i saw him. the wealthy molester

I posted “i am the first man in my bloodline to jack off in an Arby’s” on facebook and my uncle replied “not true.”

in another life, i would have really liked just doing arams and swiftplays with you

Claude is down :/ so I’m just running my sink

your 20s are for having fun. your 30s are for having fun. and you guessed it your 40s are for having fun

Grandma I’m high as fuck do you still love me or did I ruin it

was talking to my therapist today about my time in boston and my impending move to seattle and said "yeah i came here for college then it kinda feels like i got the green top" to which she said "what?" and then i had to explain this meme to her

I said at an open mic how I dated a rapper named Big Breakfast and I tried to end my life via hanging myself on a ceiling fan but I gained too much weight through drinking dunkin' donuts drinks and so the ceiling fan broke. No one laughed and someone audibly said "Jesus"

awesome new line to use with your friends: "i wish that i could have been your mother. i wish i could have given birth to you"

You are not a failure. You are the product of billions of years of exclusively winners. Every day you continue to survive is a victory lap. You made it. This is heaven. This is your birthday party. I love you.

I get so gay off that chocolate milk