Zilla

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs Me: They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

cop: we have video evidence of you with ten pounds of drugs me: yeah but the camera adds ten pounds so really you guys caught me with nothing cop: holy shit...

@saraapedia @Classify @awhalefact ❤

@Classify @awhalefact and @GoodZiIIa

@ ONE Twitter account that single handedly made your 2018 Twitter experience better

[martial arts fight] sensei: put them in a sleeper hold me: [cradling opponent like a baby] like this? sensei: no not like tha- me: [opponent falling asleep] sshhh

her: you pretending your life is a talk show is driving us apart. we need to take a break me: you're absolutely right. let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with our next guest

me: there's something i need to tell you. last night i met up with my ex wife: ok me: we had a few drinks wife: omg... me: and we played basketball wife: you didn't cheat? me: no i didn’t need to she fucking sucks

me: fbi stands for federal boobie inspector right haha fbi agent: [arresting me] shut the fuck up [looking at my chest] but not bad

me: i'm gonna be a dad friend: congratulations. boy or girl? me: boy. dads are always boys

[first day as zoo tour guide] me: elephants have very thick skin. observe [to elephant] hey, idiot! elephant: [eats some leaves] me: see? doesn't even care

[restaurant] me: table for one waiter: can i get your name? me: [defensively] no get your own

@rudy_mustang This is all the science you need to know

@_coryrichardson @livlivme_do damn

me: officer there's a suspicious looking van parked outside cop: does it look shady? me: yeah it's actually a pretty good parking spot

[first day as bartender] customer: can i get a beer? me: what kind? customer: hein- me: heinz? customer: no. heineken- me: [popping open ketchup like a bottle of beer] good choice

[after surgery] doctor: you'll never walk again me: oh god doctor: the heely implants were a success

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage me: did i break my legs? doctor: it was only 5 feet me: and they're ALL broken?!

[oxygen bar] me: coming here is a breath of fresh air haha bartender: i think you've had enough me: what? bartender: [starts choking me]

[date] me: *don't let her know how awkward you are* her: nice weather me: thanks

@lorifitzdoodles ❤

@ChicksRule ❤

@GoodZiIIa Don’t. We are here for you.

@AndrewDixonSo ❤

@GoodZiIIa everything ok zilla? :( we care about you