Giff Lasta@GiffLasta
The Backhanded Compliment of Blame
Why it's always the man's fault
A lot of guys are fed up with being blamed for everything. They’re responsible for their bad behavior, and somehow the women’s bad behavior too. Any concerns are dismissed with a “man up.” They’re expected to deliver results whether or not they’re equipped or trained. Meanwhile, it seems like women are let off the hook. And so they get pissed and try to shift the blame.
I get it. But it also drives me crazy, because they’re missing out on a secret: there’s power in things being your fault.
If someone is blaming you for a bad situation, then they’re implicitly saying that you are the one responsible for it. And if you are the one responsible for it, that means you are the one in charge. If you’re in charge, then you are assumed to have the authority to change the situation.
We get a lot of hate from women online, but if guys can hold frame and not react to it, there’s opportunity. Beneath the surface, there’s the pain of wounded trust. Feminists say, “we’re just mad because you’re not being an equal partner” but I don’t buy it. If my business partner doesn’t pull his weight, I’m annoyed. But I’m not cut to the core. It’s when a leader who I looked up to betrays my trust that I feel that level of rage.
The anger testifies to the fact that their hearts really wanted us to be worthy of their trust. They want us to lead.
Have we let them down this bad? It’s a complex story. There’s a ton that’s not actually our fault. The past two centuries have shaken the way men and women relate. The industrial revolution took us out of the home all day. Massive soul-crushing world wars made us cold and distant for generations. A technological and sexual revolution that left us confused and adrift. But even if we didn’t cause the problems, people complain to those in charge. And women are complaining to men.
In primal human family life, men are the leaders. Not “have the right to be the leaders.” Not “would be the leaders if women got out of the way.” The man simply is the alpha of the family unit. If he does nothing, then indecision and abandonment is on the throne. A wife’s anxious scrambling to make things still run can keep life afloat, but the home still feels the absence of the good he is meant to bring.
And so with the greater society. “But they told us we were toxic and they don’t want us.” Yes, and we failed the shit test. We folded instead of addressing their concerns out of a strong masculine frame.
Rollo Tomassi says “responsibility without authority is slavery.” He means that men are expected to deliver results without being given the authority they need to deliver the results. I hate this quote. It’s exactly backwards. Authority comes from responsibility. Very rarely in life are you given full unearned trust. Men of action simply act. We don’t wait for permission. Yeah, there’s risk. But when that responsibility is taken with excellence, it is often recognized with authority.
The biblical story of Joseph is a great example. The young man is sold into slavery in Egypt by his brothers. And yet he takes responsibility and is given leadership over his master’s house. Then he’s falsely accused of sexual assault by the man’s wife and thrown into prison. But he takes initiative in prison, and soon the jailors put him in charge of all the other prisoners. Finally, word gets out, and Joseph ends up pardoned and ultimately made governor of all Egypt under Pharaoh. “Slavery with responsibility is authority.”
When I started leveling up in my marriage, I was surprised to find myself driving more on family trips. My wife likes to drive, so it was natural for me to just let her handle it. Was this some macho thing where I had to be in the driver’s seat to feel like a man? Was I insecure? But it wasn’t that. It was imagining getting in a wreck. I could see her racked with guilt, especially if one of the kids was hurt. And I knew in my heart: I wanted it to have been me. I wanted it to be my fault.
Get hungry for blame. Develop an insatiable appetite for responsibility. Desperately want to be the guy people complain to. Embrace radical ownership. And you’ll find the circles of your impact expand.
You may also find the yoke easy, and the burden light.
