Kayla

Animal voicelines sound 200% more eerie in person. Real cows can knock you over with their moos. The baying of coyotes will live under my skin for a century

I am a normal man, average in every way, yet I always make dogs aroused, I do nothing untoward, but within seconds out comes their lipstick and I'm profoundly apologising to the owner as their dog is gripped to my leg going like the clappers. Honestly the worst superpower ever

A year back I sent a picture of my cock meant for my wife to the Whatsapp group of the parents of the under 15s I coach for and quickly deleted a few seconds after. To this day no one has said anything but I'm paranoid someone is biding their time waiting to take their revenge

When sending parcels to customers with double barrel names I randomly omit one of the surnames in the hope it will cause friction between someone else in the household.

What truly unifies us as human beings is the feral desire to eat shredded cheese straight from the bag at 3am

Begged my girlfriend for months to peg me with a strap on. She finally agreed, I shat the bed while she was ramming me, she was sick over my back when she pulled out. We haven't touched other since, pretty sure she's going to leave me

Using a Braille disppay and realised that ITVX has changed its VO altogether text so that it says "Eye Tee Vee X". I'm assuming this is so that VO says it right, but when I pointed it out to a sighted person they thought I was going mad because they could see the normal app name.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. A grilled cheese is a dish best served hot, unless it's a revenge grilled cheese, in which case that also should be cold.

Doing a little lunch our writing. I need a Victorian style insult a posh person might call someone they considered below them, possibly a criminal. It’s allowed to be a bit ridiculous, just needs to get across a lot of disdain.

My wife has no idea how little money I have since I went self employed. She's just spent £35 on a toilet seat, that's more than I learnt this week

I normally buy a brocoli or some apples when I go shopping. I have no intention of eating them but it takes away the embarrassment at the checkout when they see all the junk food I'm buying

Since at least the 1940s… every man who has ever clean shaven off a beard, has, on at least one occasion, carefully shaved a little square Adolf tache to fulfil a lingering and morbid curiosity of what it would be like to have one. Myself included.

A crocodile is elected Governor of Nevada.