Heather Pasternak

My husband told me our toddler’s shit didn’t stink which was a really fun way to find out my husband has Covid

There are two kinds of people in this world: the kind that don’t like listening to voice notes and the kind that are trying to kill us

Guys this show is helping homeless youth, roll through and show some love @Hahacafecomedy @HelloPasternak @ChrisEstrada85 @JamesStanly

Happy holidays y’all! It’s like they say, the holidays are for feeling sad and getting coffee with your ex 🥰✨

Being a mom is like working out, I don’t wanna do it

I just want my husband to lust after me the way mosquitoes do

VEGAS!! We’re here all weekend, come celebrate pride with us. @HelloPasternak @lindsayames @jimmykimmelscomedyclub OCT 5-8. TIX in my linktree! #vegays

@Imlaurencompton LOL PASS ME AROUND FELLAS

I think one of my biggest fears about getting married is knowing that my fiancé’s groomsmen are all gunna have to share my one friend at the wedding

My whole personality today is “should work out but just going to be a bitch instead” thank you for your support

I ate too many figs and now my tongue hurts, so yeah… I party 😏

As a parent I have a lot of concerns like “When can I lay down?” and “How can I be laying down more?”

I don’t get it but I want to -a memoir

“I want you to come home just once without accusing me of jerking off while you were gone” -cute shit my husband says 🥰

Pool days are so important because let’s face it, we’re not real friends until you’ve seen the cellulite on my ass

Me: I don’t have anxiety Also me: Can I unsend an email after five years?

It’s like the saying goes, “ask and you shall …wish you never asked”

@chrisfairbanks @DynarPodcast So cool!!!

My podcast @DynarPodcast (and my artwork) in Times Square!

My morning affirmations be like: *kicks off the sheets* Nothing can stop me!!!! … Except maybe how comfy this bed is right now *re-wraps self like a sleepy burrito*

!!! madisonmom.com/no_gifts/#:~:t….

When an invitation says “no gifts” is it a test? And if it’s not a test, why does it feel like one?

Tell me you’re from LA without telling me you’re from LA