Heather Pasternak

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Heather Pasternak

Heather Pasternak

@HelloPasternak

Comedian, cat whisperer, c🙌🏻nt

Los Angeles, CA Katılım Şubat 2011
576 Takip Edilen1.8K Takipçiler
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
My husband told me our toddler’s shit didn’t stink which was a really fun way to find out my husband has Covid
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
There are two kinds of people in this world: the kind that don’t like listening to voice notes and the kind that are trying to kill us
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
Happy holidays y’all! It’s like they say, the holidays are for feeling sad and getting coffee with your ex 🥰✨
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
Being a mom is like working out, I don’t wanna do it
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
I just want my husband to lust after me the way mosquitoes do
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Lauren Compton
Lauren Compton@Imlaurencompton·
I think one of my biggest fears about getting married is knowing that my fiancé’s groomsmen are all gunna have to share my one friend at the wedding
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
My whole personality today is “should work out but just going to be a bitch instead” thank you for your support
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
I ate too many figs and now my tongue hurts, so yeah… I party 😏
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
As a parent I have a lot of concerns like “When can I lay down?” and “How can I be laying down more?”
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
I don’t get it but I want to -a memoir
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
“I want you to come home just once without accusing me of jerking off while you were gone” -cute shit my husband says 🥰
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
Pool days are so important because let’s face it, we’re not real friends until you’ve seen the cellulite on my ass
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
Me: I don’t have anxiety Also me: Can I unsend an email after five years?
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
It’s like the saying goes, “ask and you shall …wish you never asked”
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
My morning affirmations be like: *kicks off the sheets* Nothing can stop me!!!! … Except maybe how comfy this bed is right now *re-wraps self like a sleepy burrito*
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Heather Pasternak
Heather Pasternak@HelloPasternak·
When an invitation says “no gifts” is it a test? And if it’s not a test, why does it feel like one?
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