InfernalWheel

If youve ever sneezed & blew out your shoulder, welcome to your 50s.

Stop using dipping sauces on pizza. It’s disrespectful to the pie.

even if you don't know your body does

The good part about being too lazy to apply makeup is that you can continue to be lazy and not remove it.

the urge to sit when u see a surface to sit on

I can tell ur ass went to Jupiter to get more stupider

I'm like a cat. I'll slap anything I don't understand.

Full moons are so extra on the first day of a new month.

*gets into an existential debate with CAPTCHA*

Talking to yourself is fun until someone else hears it

I'm trying to grow as a person fuckface

i asked an interviewer something she liked about her job and she said "i've only been here three months" thank you so much for that glowing review linda

Sending my regards to the people who have to deal with me today.

Trying to explain that a "clear liquid diet" doesn't include the secret lasagna hidden in the bedside table.

*stirring Mac N' Cheese Everything reminds me of her

The human body being able to stretch to obesity seems like a really big design flaw.

A draft just saying you, but it is pointing

Them: Any plans tonight? Me: *laughs in introvert

Anxiety’s opposite is sadness. Good luck.

Remember being a dick is a decision