schmox

[inventing the toaster] engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4 chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

My momma :) and those are my chirren - chip in if you can <3 gofundme.com/f/fulfilling-a…

@CoreyT_WX @wdsu thank you

@IvoryGazelle @wdsu wdsu.com/article/new-or…

Tornado with power flashes on @WDSU moments ago in the New Orleans area. Looking towards Arabi, LA:

"overnight oats" "gig economy" "tiny home" you are a peasant who eats gruel

@McDonalds Ordered through Uber eats today and didn't get the fun happy meal box OR the toy. Whyyyyyyyy

cactus buddy! got all four will u?

today is the day i discovered the british version of dollar tree is called poundland skksjsjksjskjsksks

A classic from a suspended account. I think about it and die laughing every time

Call me petty but i will never forgive my student loans

@najja_porter Absolutely perfect! Do you have this available for purchase as a print?

Was suppose to post this Saturday but I forgot whoops. Anyway, Congrats to one of my fav shows for 150 episodes! #BobsBurgers

Representation matters

If it’s important they’ll leave a voicemail

Yankee Candle's Stages of Abstraction Level 1: The scent represents a physical object where the object's aroma is one of its distinct properties.

Wind chimes, but it's hot dogs. The soothing sound of wind meat

Therapist: What's wrong? Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I'll be getting a divorce Therapist: And who told you that? Me: *tearfully clears throat*

@mrjohndarby I will die for this tweet, where is the button to “die for this tweet”?

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

*Movie's 10 second sex scene begins My dad who's been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin'

BOSS: Your feminist agenda is starting to disrupt meetings ME: *tucks tampon behind ear like a pen* How