Dr.J-Phil

250 years, and your empire has been reduced to a single island the size of Michigan, with a GDP barely higher than Mississippi, the poorest of our fifty states. Enjoy your warm beer in that unairconditioned old pub. Don’t talk too much shit online though, you might get arrested.

Boys, I’ve been in the crime game for a while now and this is the wildest true headline I’ve ever seen

I don't mean to be tellin' tales out of school, but there's a feller in there that'll pay you ten dollars if you sing into his can.

You bolt awake on a couch in a basement: “Pursuit of Happiness” by Kid Cudi is blaring in another room. The year is 2010. You’re at a house party. “I told you this gas station spice was crazy!” your friend Hunter tells you.

If you let the same guy rob you at gunpoint every day for 50 years because he promised he was “just keeping it safe” and would give it all back later. Then one day you see him robbing your adult kids at gunpoint. Do you: A: Realize this is insane. B: Yell at your kids to stop complaining and just give him the money so he can pay you back. This post definitely is not about Social Security.

@DefiantLs What an odd thing to say, Scott

@The_King_Trout Fucking clanker

Just look at the guilty little fuck

I was sexually assaulted by the QuikTrip floor mopping robot

Maybe it happened, but TEN MILLION fireflies??

buddy, I was writing 10 page papers without having read the book.

You can just throw random bullshit into a crockpot on low for 5 or 6 hours and there’s like a 96% chance it will taste good as fuck.

“Have you even read Marx?” A. Yes. B. Even if I hadn’t, the idea that someone has to read thousands of pages of bullshit before they’re allowed to determine it’s bullshit is retarded. If I write a 3,000-page book explaining why slamming your dick in a car door cures cancer, nobody is obligated to read the whole thing to conclude I’m a fucking moron.

Lockdown immediately

@thelioma_meso @Apple Nope

@JPHIL1337 @Apple Have you ever worn ear plugs to a show?

@Apple how does one listen to this at a low volume?

boomers right now that are forced to lower their home prices by 5%

I would like to personally thank @SStricklandMMA for the money he just made me tonight. USA baby 🇺🇸 🇺🇸 🇺🇸