Jesus Presley Comedy

We take comedy seriously😐

It's a Charlie Brown Festivus.

I have a fear of public speaking. I’m afraid the public will speak to me.

Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count theonion.com/grandma-concer…

Blow me like one of your French horns.

Dear @TheOnion, Brilliant move. Please consider Will Sasso if looking for an Alex Jones impersonator for your newly acquired property. I mean… Sincerely, Not @chadkultgen

Bring back Pierre Escargot to commentate the Olympics

ME: Don’t forget to start writing 2024 on your checks. GEN Z: What’s a check?

If you play any Vin Diesel movie at any point prior to midnight, he will be a renegade badass with zero Fs to give exactly when the ball drops #NewYear2024 #💥 #🚘

Merry Christmas!

@matthewjokes Ace Ventura 1994…

Every movie that came out before 1995 was so bad i havent even seen any of them except Jurassic Park.

…that’s a tad strong 🍔

@SalVulcano “Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress” - The Hollies

Give me your best road trip / open road song...

Better than Saturday Night Live.

I don’t have kids so when I give out unsolicited parenting advice I like to start it by saying, “Well, as a former baby…”

For some reason whenever I listen R.E.M. music, I get sleepy.