James Jefferson

Friend: Oh man don't those feel so good? Me, weeping in unfathomable pain: Yeah dude, it's just like a massage.

I ⚪️ am gay ⚪️ am straight 🔘 know what you’re doing. Don’t do this. Stop it. I know what you’re doing. I don’t give a flying f**k about a jacket. #RHOBH

them: any weekend plans? me:

hey can i come over and make you a little worried about me

them: how’s your year going me:

@SandraKiss1053 @GoldenKnights 🤭🥥🥥 youtu.be/ite2vY5qihc

When you’re in #Vegas and they win the Cup. Can’t show you the video of me jumping because my top fell down. 😆😆😆😆 @GoldenKnights #StanleyCup

she's just like me fr

Bringing your dad both screwdrivers because you don’t know what he’s talking about.

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me. I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

I’m aging like a fine wine (on my side in a dark room)

i’m reaching the Ann Taylor Loft phase of my life

How long can I get away with telling people "I'm not at my best" before they figure out that this is in fact, my best

Me: Want some trail mix? Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen. Me: It’s homemade.

“Use code GOOP for 15 percent off”