Jamie

@fesshole He knows it's there he's trying to intice you

My husband likes to look at porn on his phone while watching tv. I know this because theres a mirror on the wall behind his usual seat which he doesn't seem to have noticed. I'm waiting for the right moment to reveal that I can see every depraved thing he looks at

@fesshole Fail to plan plan to fail

Since 1990, I have religiously carried a guitar pick in my pocket in the vain hope that any band I see live will need an emergency stand-in guitarist.

😂😂 I must be the only one who doesn't understand how they are still going never a thing in stock #BoycottWickes

I see connor mcgregor is another guilty verdict trial by media

@FabrizioRomano Is havertz better than jesus 😳

🚨 Understand Kai Havertz has given green light to Arsenal contract bid after positive indications #AFC No problem on personal terms. Arsenal & Chelsea in contact — no chance for £75m but Chelsea will be flexible. Bayern, informed… but still quiet. Real 100% out of the race.

@shirlpuzz Back the fk up of Lorraine 😂

@fesshole I can't unsmell it 🤢

My boyfriend is obsessed with gravy. He got me to agree to be covered in gravy and have him lick it all off. It was disgusting and I felt degraded. He keeps asking to do it again and I'm running out of excuses. I may have to dump him.

@Damon_BPHR Just at risk lmtakes longer to cap than patch it up 😂

@Jamietra1 Ceiling not patched up

Boilers been turned off by the smart meter fitter. Says he can’t believe I’m a gas fitter, wife thinks I’m a cowboy and the girls are lucky to be alive 😂😂😂

I sit on the board of a tech firm as their Chief Financial Officer. I earn a fortune. The truth is that I have no talent for finance whatever, and I need to look up the basics all the time. I've worked my way up by being far more extroverted than the average accountant.

My dog got some glass stuck in her paw but it was too painful to get it out. Needed to numb it with something, aha, my husband's premature ejaculation delay spray. Worked a treat. Happy dog.

Jack grealish mum right now Go on lad ❤️😂

Since I got a home gym, I've started working out whilst watching porn on my phone, its the best motivation I've found. I fear I could never use a regular gym again now.

Who's winning tonight #boxing #joshtaylor #TeofimoLopez

My ex husband had a portrait of me done in chalks - it made me look like a slack jawed gremlin, the minute I divorced him it went on a fire

Tom is not bisexual stop lying 😂#openhouse

It's more awkward just sitting there 😂#openhouse

When my nephews were born, we agreed with their parents that we would be their guardians if the parents die. My nephews turned out to be awfull kids and now I'm terrified that something will happen to their parents. I don't want those jerks to come live with us.

4 European trophy's have been lifted by Scotsmen for English clubs since the last English men lifted 1 Crazy 😧 #WestHam #EuropaConferenceleague #moyes

The wife thinks I'm losing weight to be healthy. In fact I'm only trying to lose weight because I accidentally overheard two of our female graduate trainees talking about which of their male colleagues they fancied, and they both agreed that I was too fat.