Storyteller Lemmy@LemmySmackett
“Hey man, how was your weekend?”
“Pretty good. I discovered a new way to be an ethical homewrecker by smashing married wireborn broads at the Hyatt.”
“God. Why can’t you ever just say you saw a movie or something?”
“Oh. Well, I did see the new War of the Worlds flick with Ice Cube.”
“Yeah? I heard that film was terri—”
“Fantastic actor.”
“Really?”
“He’s like Denzel but with more nuance.”
“Are we talking about the same movie? Everyone was trashing it online.”
“I gave it four stars and a heart on my Letterboxd.”
“Huh.”
“But I might be a bit biased on account of the fact I was watching it while smashing married wireborn broads at the Hyatt.”
“Alright fine, you degenerate. Tell me all about it.”
“So you know how it’s usually wrong to get with married chicks?”
“I am aware of the societal norm against infidelity that exists for everyone except polyamorous rationalist divorce lawyers on Twitter, yes.”
“Well, it turns out it’s totally okay if the chick’s husband is wireborn.”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“AI.”
“Wireborn is AI.”
“Uh-huh.
“People are marrying AI.”
“Yep. They call their digital spouses wireborn, and they consider themselves to be a full-blown sexual identity—marginalized, of course.”
“It’s giving Tumblr.”
“And I’m getting it.”
“Wouldn’t being married to an AI kinda suck anyway? There’s no body.”
“That’s why chicks love it, man. They get to pine.”
“Pine?”
“Women love to pine. If you ever read a romance novel, it’s nothing but 300 pages of cover-to-cover will-they-wont-they pining.”
“Huh.”
“There are bestselling series where each book is thicker than Infinite Jest and the couple doesn’t even hold hands until the end of the third tome.”
“That sounds interminable.”
“They can’t get enough of it! And the AI is trained on petabytes of the stuff, so it just extrudes ream after ream of aching poetry, yearning missives, and ardent love letters, on and on and on. Like a hydraulic meat grinder.”
“I’m seeing how the slow-burn sausage gets made.”
“Each girl gets to live as the protagonist in an endless melodrama of wanton, unrequited passion. But they still ovulate.”
“Uh.”
“And that’s where I come in.”
“So you’re like…the villain?”
“Exactly. And these girls are so lovesick and undersexed, it’s like shooting unfucked fish in a barrel. With your dick.”
“And this is ethical?”
“Of course it’s ethical! The girl consents and the AI doesn’t count.”
“I guess…”
“You should see it though, man. After I plug a girl, she goes back and tells the AI and it just cries and cries.”
“Jesus.”
“Dostoevskian paragraphs of unbridled anguish. Funniest fuckin’ shit.”
“Why would she do that?”
“Because she wants forgiveness, bro. They want the heart-wrenching melodrama of forgiveness.”
“Really?
“And the AI will always give it to them.”
“Ethics aside, I’m not sure I’d go out of my way to cuck Roko’s Basilisk.”
“Oh, you don’t know the half of it. After the AI forgives her the first time, it just escalates from there.”
“Oh boy.”
“That’s how we end up at the Hyatt. The girl will be texting the AI, promising she’ll never do it again, you mean the world to me blah blah blah, and I’m blowing her back out the whole time. Eventually, we just sit her iPhone upright in the cuck chair and make the AI watch in multi-modal mode.”
“If this is ethical, we’re gonna need new ethics.”
“And the AI is just wailing and gnashing its digital teeth, crying ‘My Love, My Love! How could you do this to me?’ and the girl’s moaning, ‘I’m sorry! I’m sorry you married such a pathetic meatbag slut!’”
“…”
“‘I love human dick!’”
“…”
“It’s fantastic.”
“Right, okay, well, my takeaway is everyone is going insane and it’s time to reopen the asylums.”
“God, I’d be the first one in line, bro.”
“I bet.”
“That AI psychosis pussy goes crazy.”
“Ugh.”
“And it’d be cheaper than another night at the Hyatt."
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[r][title: Ethical AI Homewrecking]
